"Gun control means using both hands."

Gun control.  The issue has taken center stage over the past month as lawmakers work out a way to keep law-abiding citizens from exercising their 2nd Amendment right.

Not wanting to be behind the times, Russinize Your Day decided to do a poll (We love these things!).  We sent our one female reporter (she's black too, so...yay...also if Russinize Your Day was a TV show (Lord willing someday) it would be me in a dress...oh, but then I would have to do black face too which is racist...whatever, we'll fire her if we ever get to the small screen) to the streets to talk to your everyday Joe's about their feelings on gun control.

We asked each person on a scale of "1 to Chicago" how well they thought gun control would prevent future gun crimes.  The results will surprise you:

• 85% answered "New York."
• 10% couldn't locate Chicago on a map.
• 5% giggled and ran away.

 However 100% agreed that they were excited about new restrictions as they will make bad guys finally follow laws.

Russ VanAllen
- I will be away for the next few months playing the lead in the national tour of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Studies and Stuff

People all over the country wait with baited breath as members of the House and Senate try to stave off calamity and keep the country from speeding over the "fiscal cliff."  However, if you are one of the tens of people paying attention, you may be waiting a long while.  A recent study from the Institute for Institutional Studies has shown that a whopping 98% of Congress is just too stupid to grasp reality.

Tom Warrin, of the IIS, explains that "when a Senator or Representative holds a Press Conference and you can't figure out what they are saying, it's because they don't know either," he continues "They're lucky if they can remember where they are, let alone figure out what's happening to the fiscal stability of the country."

Most people would attribute this to the old age and senility of some Senators and Representatives, but as Warrin points out "that is the case for only about 1% of Congress.  They have a legitimate excuse.  They are old, and probably have alzheimers, or dementia, or something.  The remaining 1%, well, we're not even sure they exist...the majority, however, are just stupid."

The study does make the point that they all didn't start out this way.  Most lawmakers were intelligent when they first ran for office, but once bombarded by lobbyists and young, attractive interns with daddy issues who are drawn to old, gross men with money and power; they just got dumb-ed down.

Russell VanAllen
Voted funniest person in the world by various toys & objects in my room.

Mars is still a planet?

It's been a while since I've posted.  It's tough when the news becomes so ridiculous us who ridiculously parody it find it too ridiculous to ridiculously ridicule...I think.  My favorite target, NASA, has been back in the news for doing something.  Namely going to Mars.  Frankly, they could have drawn a picture of Mars and it would have been more than they have done in the past decade.  Let's face it, their biggest "achievements" since going to the Moon have been building a useless space station that's about as interesting as space junk, planning to blow up the Moon, reaching out to Muslims (apparently Muslims are from Mars?...I'm not up on my geography, I would guessed that was Mormons...), and stripping Pluto of it's planethood for opposing same-sex marriage.

Of course upon arriving, the pictures showed Mars to be very similar to the Mojave desert.  Now I haven't been to Mars since the 80's, when I was invited to Mitt Romney's birthday party on the planet he earned (See, I knew it was Mormons!)...where was I...oh right, the 80's.  Well, I could have told you it looked like the Mojave desert.  It's not like it's rocket science!...Anyway, good job NASA, you did something right, too bad it couldn't keep you from getting your budget cut (oh yeah, I went there).

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: We at Russinize Your Day do not actually know if NASA had anything to do with Pluto losing it's planethood, nor do we know Pluto's stance on same-sex marriage, or if "planethood" is a real term...according to the red squiggly line under it I would say no.  Consider it coined.

Well, at least it's not brain surgery...

It's a common phrase people use when describing a difficult task.  However, what do brain surgeons say when they're completing a hard task?  I bet they say "at least it's not driving through a construction zone" because, seriously, nobody seems to be able to do it.  First off, they give you two miles in advance to switch lanes.  Yet the morons driving in the soon to be closed lane seem to think they might be able to beat everyone through the construction if they race ahead, but hey jerks you just end up slowing everybody else down!  My favorite, though, is the d*****bag (we apologize for the language, but it is fitting) who, seeing everybody in one lane, decides to drive in the other lane as if it's some magical realm that nobody else realizes exists, and it will take them through the construction zone unscathed.

Now, you may be saying after all of that "wow, Russ.  Angry much?" (I am working through some anger issues, but I find it hurtful and inappropriate that you would bring it up here...there's a time and a place).  The problem is, you who are incapable of driving through construction zones have apparently been coddled your whole life and told you're special.  Well, you're not!  So read the signs and get in the correct lane in advance so we can all get home on time!

Russ VanAllen
For clarification, I am special!!...wait...no, not like that!

Is it hot in here, or just me (rhetorical)...

Just when Republicans would have you believe the stimulus did not work, a new stimulus-funded study from Stanford University is set to bring a close to the debate over global warming.  The results may surprise you.  Stanford researches have discovered that global warming is indeed real, and that it is, indeed, man-made.  The study finds that every election cycle, politicians travel the country delivering speeches and releasing dangerous gases and hot air into the atmosphere.  The study shows that this accounts for the greenhouse gas buildup causing the earth to heat up, melting the polar ice caps, killing polar bears, selling Prius', and sending Al Gore into a downward spiral of insanity.

The researchers are planning to turn a report into the EPA with their recommendations on how to cut down the growing danger.  Russinize Your Day has been told, by an unnamed source, that some of these recommendations include limiting Donald Trump's dialogue to "you're fired!", keeping Warren Buffet from speaking in general, and limiting Presidential debates to 30 minutes.  We are also told that the study listed President Obama as the top contributor to the problem, but he did get credit for recycling his State of the Union addresses.  It's yet to be seen if the EPA will act on these recommendations.

Russ VanAllen
#6 most read blog in my bedroom.

Road Signs...

The title says it all...well mostly all.  I'm not here to rail against road signs, but I am here to point out the stupid uses people use them for (clever wording Shakespeare).  On my way home the other day I came to rest at a four-way stop.  I glanced up at the sign and noticed somebody had cleverly (*sarcasm alert*) written "following" underneath...in case you're a little tired or just having an off day the sign now read "Stop Following" (Oh, I get it!).  So there I sat in my car laughing hysterically (*sarcasm alert*) at some little clever fella or fella-ette's "artwork".  Of course, it's not just limited to the various routes I take, you can see signs all over that people have artized (Take that Merriam-Webster!).  In fact after I'm done typing I'm gonna Google "funny signs" to add some nice pictures to keep you all entertained (Thank you, I was starting to doze off).

Now, you must be thinking "Russ, why do you hate creativity?" (Hm, I think you may be putting words into people's mouths, but for the sake of comedy, carry on)  Well, aside from the fact that it's dumb (Says you!) the last thing people need at a four-way stop is one more thing distracting them from how a four-way stop actually works...which people, apparently, cannot grasp (You pull up and don't exactly stop but sort of just roll through along with the person crossing where you both stop and wave each other across to be polite but neither will go because they're busy trying to be the better person.  Meanwhile a line is backing up and people are honking and flipping each other off and there is complete chaos...that's how it works right?).  It's not rocket science!!  So stop it (You tell 'em chief!)!

Russ VanAllen
#1 Uhzbekistan Times Best-selling blogger.

Yes I'm still here...Sorry to frighten you.

Hello everybody.  I'm still here and ready to get back into the blogosphere with the #1 New York Times Bestselling blog (I don't think such a category even exists...).  I know that you all have been feeling down and out since I've gone on hiatus.  That feeling is, of course, the affects (I hope I used the correct spelling otherwise all those grammar Nazi's are gonna have a field day) of the Russinization process wearing off.  My apologies to you for taking so long to keep your life interesting and flavorful.  I was considering doing a video blog, due to a certain unnamed person starting one and getting rave reviews for it...not that I'm jealous! (Sure, sure Russ (Shut-up inner-dialogue!!) Oh great, are we really going back to parenthesis within parenthesis format when you argue with yourself, arguing with yourself?) but the fact is that I have thus put off doing a video blog because people have always said I have a "face for radio".  It turns out that when somebody says that to you it is not a compliment (*gasp* Really?), so I'll do what I do best and that is entertain the masses (I don't think 12 followers constitutes a mass...but hang in there chief!) through cleverly worded humor (If you call this cleverly worded humor then I'm...(So help me if you interrupt me one more time!))...

Russ VanAllen
Author of over 1 New York Times Bestselling blogs and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work forging peace with humor (Hey, if Obama can win one, so can...well anybody really...).

Race to the Finish!

In an act of political correctness the Senate Armed Services Committee has approved a bill that would remove all white men from the military.  The bill comes after an independent study from the Military Leadership Diversity Commission was presented to Congress about how there are too many whites (namely white men) leading the United States armed forces.  The bill will make it mandatory for African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Female Americans and any other minority to sign up for military service (The bill will exclude anyone who refers to themselves as just an American, because anyone who does is just giving into the status quo and not really an oppressed minority).

The Chairman of the Military Leadership Diversity Commission, Retired General Lester L. Lyles says "We all have different backgrounds, we all come from somewhere else.  Sure I was born here, but my parents weren't...So clearly I'm from wherever they were from."

The bill will now head to the Senate floor for debate and then put up for a vote.  A statement released earlier today by the Senators backing the bill said "we need a military that reflects who we are as Americans, we aren't just white.  So to have too many of them leading our military and to have white people in our military whatsoever is just plain racist.  Since people aren't qualified to deal with this issue and handle things appropriately, the government will take care of it.  What could go wrong?"

Opponents of the bill, or as the bill supporters call them "raciphobes", released a statement shortly after asking "Are you joking?"

Russell VanAllen
America's 13.5th most trusted news source.  Finishing half a rating in front of anything CNN offers...

How to make friends and alienate people...but mostly the latter.

Hello, I'm back with more hard hitting news stories that never happened but maybe will (fingers crossed) and my very opinionated opinion.  Today I'm going to opinionate about something that drives me absolutely crazy: those link things that people can "like" on Facespace (Due to copyright restrictions we can't actually use the word Facebook).  One that came upon my Facebook news-feed was, and I quote:

"No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid to fall; no one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose; no one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it; no one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response."

Now aside from the obvious ridiculousness of it all, I want to take it apart piece-by-piece.   A) Let me start by saying I am afraid of heights, NOT of falling.  I don't actually have to worry about falling because I am much too afraid to go up to a point where I could fall in the first place.  Second, I'm not afraid to lose because I cheat at things.  So I'm gonna play because there is no chance, unless I grow a conscience, that I will lose.  Thirdly...or is it third?...thirdsies?...Next, I am afraid of the dark because I don't want to stub my toe on a chair, now that doesn't make me afraid of the chair which is in the dark...does it?  Finally, on to the most ridiculous one of them all.  The fear of "I love you" (or the response thereof).  The only reason I would be afraid of the response is if I was somehow drunk and said "I love you" to my friend Ralph...

Point being, these ridiculous, "deep-thinking" links that can be "liked" by people are just ridiculous...wait, I used that already...ummm...are just...jibber-jabberous...if you want to read something that makes you feel like a deep-thinker then read this blog...no, I can't say that we're very skin deep here.  INCREDIBLY shallow.

Russ VanAllen
Voted "Most Likely to Succeed"...I sure showed them...

Where Can a Feline Turn

The Pentagon is reviewing another of it's controversial laws, the one banning cats from openly serving in the military, or Don't Ask, Don't Meow.  For years the military has only allowed dogs to serve, banning cats from any form of military service, but that may be changing.  Bolstered by the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell feline rights group the Cat Affection Team, or C.A.T., along with the Feline Rights Campaign have pushed for the Pentagon to review and eventually repeal the law.

C.A.T. Director Cathy Ward, a 52 year-old, stay at home widow who has 22 cats of her own, said "It's time.  It's time for cats everywhere to be able to stand on all fours and serve our nation proudly.  What, you think only a dog can sniff out bombs?...besides, can a dog always land on all fours?  No, no they can not...do they have 9 lives?"  Cathy has long been a cat lover, and founded C.A.T. a few years ago after one of her own, 6 year old Thomas, was denied entry into the military.  "It was a terrible experience for him" Cathy said, "He didn't eat for a few hours after that."

Even after all this time it was difficult for Thomas to talk about the incident, but he still gave us a statement "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow mrow," he then proceeded to clean himself for a few minutes before continuing, "meow mow mow meow, meow meow meow meow meow.  Purr purr purr purr purr purr purr."  Simply a heartbreaking tale.

Lawyers from the Feline Rights Campaign have pitched in to help Ms. Ward fight this battle.  Harriet Barker, President of the campaign, said "this problem goes far beyond a simple law, this extends to the homes, where people mistreat cats all the time.  Dog's are called 'man's best friend' where cats are usually reduced to phrases describing derogatory things such as 'scare-dy cat', or the term 'catty' just to name two.  I mean sure, they scratch you for no reason, walk with there claws out, bite your ankles when you don't feed them, they are afraid of water and dogs, and leave dead rodents on your doorstep and...I forgot where I was going with this."  Could not have said it better.

Yet for all this the question remains: will Thomas' fight be in vain?

Russ VanAllen
Covering news the mainstream media won't...or doesn't know about because I fabricate it...

On the Prowl

Earlier today the Federal Bureau of Statistics reported an alarming increase in cougar attacks and sightings this year than in any other year.  In the past few months cougars, or middle aged women looking for a relationship with younger men, have been spotted in places not usually frequented.  Generally staying to warmer coastal areas, cougars have been pushing into the mid-United States region.  With the most recent sighting in Colorado where three recently graduated college men were celebrating their achievement at a bar.  A cougar struck carrying off one of them.  They found him later outside of a hotel, in a daze and not clear on what happened.  Colorado is not the only state with an increase in cougar activity, though.  Both South and North Dakota along with Kansas and Nebraska have reported several attacks on unsuspecting college men out on the town.

Director of the Federal Bureau of Statistics, Rob Avery says "We believe that cougars are becoming emboldened by advances in surgical procedures that help a woman conceal her age much better than say a year or so ago.  That, global climate change and TV shows like Cougartown, that glamorize this sort of thing, have really added to the increase in cougar activity.  I can only speculate that it will get worse."

So what can you do to protect yourself from a cougar attack?  Well according to Peter Wells of the National Association Against Courtney Cox, the best thing to do is "stay in groups, name out who your specific wing-man is when out with friends (make sure their reliable) and just keep your eyes open.  They are easy to spot, just look for the women who could be your mother, or Nancy Pelosi."

For more on the statistics and projections of the cougar problem visit the Federal Bureau of Statistics website at www.federalBS.com

Russ VanAllen
Brilliance at it's best.

To Save an Economy

White Flag

With many nations struggling against a mounting financial crisis one nation has come out ahead.  And that's France (I know, we were just as shocked).  According to the French Finance Minister, France "has experienced a temporary increase to the National treasury," he then added some classic French logic that "while this influx is only temporary we do believe that if we use it properly it will help us in the future."

How is all this possible?  The French government has begun selling off it's National White Flag Reserve or the NWFR.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who has been trying for some time to get money put into a fund for him and his mistresses, said "we have not had to tap into the NWFR for some time now, so we figured it would be OK to sell most.  We keep a few on hand that have sufficed in times of need."

The sale of the flags is expected to bring in quite a bit of money, but the exact amount has not been released.  The majority of the flags are expected to be bought up by the Japanese to be used to make new national flags, seeing as all they'd have to do is draw a red circle in the middle.  The Dutch are also expected to purchase a few.  When asked what interest the Dutch had in white flags, Prime Minister Jan Belkenende responded "They were cheap."  Along with the Japanese and the Dutch, Nancy Pelosi  announced her intentions to purchase some of the flags, we can only assume in an attempt to work with the new Republican majority in the House.  We attempted to contact Ms. Pelosi, but she never returned our calls.

The French Finance Minister did make it clear that they were "not selling all of their white flags, just the majority of what was in the NWFR," saying "we still have some on hand so if you try to invade, just know, we are prepared."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent of Awesomeness.

The Plan

This morning the Debt Reduction Commission revealed it's plan to lower the mounting national debt.  In a simple 3 step plan consisting of 1 plan and 2 fall back plans, the DRC announced it's recommendation to sell California.  In a statement released this morning, Commission Chairmen Alan Simpson and Erskine Bowles stated that "since California itself is so far in debt, we could sell it for quite a bit of money, lose a bunch of people who are dependent on the government and actually make some headway into fighting the national debt."  The Golden State, which has a population of over 36 million people according to the Census Bureau, has had it's own problems with high debt, sky high unemployment and movie star governors.

Although actually pulling off the sale is a whole different story, as finding a nation who actually wants a bankrupt state with people who rely so heavily on the government is going to be difficult.  Of course the Commission is prepared for that outcome and have installed 2 back-up plans.  The statement from Simpson and Bowles reveals that "in the case that our long shot plan fails, we have two more options available.  The first back-up plan is to sell Detroit, which is almost exactly like the California deal but on a much smaller level, so it may be easier to pull off.  The second back-up plan is to sell Nancy Pelosi.  We actually don't think that will work at all to help the national debt, we just really want to get rid of her; which is one of the perks of selling California."

We questioned Mr. Simpson about the ethicality of these plans, to which he said "Well, we considered that, but we're technically a government body so we don't look at things that way, and frankly, we believe it should have happened a long time ago."  We did ask Mr. Simpson about what would happen with the movie industry in the event California was sold, to which he replied "it's not like they've produced some really great films recently, so we on the Commission don't feel like we'd lose much."  We did try to contact Ms. Pelosi, but none of our calls were returned.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day

Wink, Wink

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen.  I'm sure you all know who I am.  If you don't, well, I'm so sorry.  Now I wanted to take some time out of my incredibly busy schedule to talk to you about people who add little smiley or winking faces whilst typing, yet aren't really doing those things.  If you didn't actually smile at your comment, you should not be adding in one of these :).   If you didn't wink at your computer screen, then why are you adding this ;)?  If you add one of these :D then why aren't you...well actually, I'm not sure what that's supposed to be...are you gaping?  Maybe surprised?...I'm not sure...Anyway little emoticon thingies should follow the same rules as "LOLing" or "ROFLing" or "LMAOing".  If you didn't laugh out loud or roll on the floor laughing or if your a** didn't literally fall off while in a fit of laughter you just lied to whoever you were typing to.  How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that?  Now, you may be saying "Russ, you hypocrite, you lie everyday.  How can you criticize me for it?"  Where that may be true, you must remember I'm a professional.  I graduated with a BS in Arts and I'm able to lie flawlessly and make it seem natural.  In fact my lies are so perfect they become the truth...which then means I didn't lie thus making me not a liar...?  So in short don't go throwing around little emoticon thingies unless you are smiling or creeperishly winking at somebody or sitting with your mouth open...seriously, what is that? :D, it's just weird...

Russ VanAllen
This has been a special presentation of Russ' Corner brought to by Russinize Your Day.

Obama Goes "Undercover"

With midterms just around the corner and Democrats set to take a beating; His popularity plummeting and members of his own party distancing themselves from his policies, Obama is seeking to reinvent himself as the man his party saw on the campaign trail.  Where that may not be an easy task, the President has an ace up his sleeve.

The Ace?  Mr. Obama is set to appear on CBS's reality show Undercover Boss.  Where he will go around Capitol Hill performing the jobs of Senators, Representatives, Staffers and fill several other positions.  Most anticipated, though, is the rumor that he may perform the role of a Senatorial Page.  Which includes running newly written bills from the Lobbyists who wrote them to the Senators who will propose them, along with fending off sexual advances from those same Senators.

At a press conference yesterday, the President said he was "very excited" to be able to do this.  Hoping that his party will see he is "just like them" and that they don't have to be afraid to have him come out and campaign for them.

Of course the President could not go into great detail about what we can expect from the show seeing as he's "undercover" and nobody but the viewers are supposed to know that it's him.  The White House Press Secretary did inform us that the President will not have his teleprompters with him...so we don't expect him to say much.

While away from the oval office Hawaii Senator and President Pro Tempore Daniel Inouye will reside as acting President seeing as the other two options are Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi.  When asked how he felt about Senator Inouye serving as President while Obama is on Undercover Boss, Joe Biden responded "Oh, I love that show!"  We could not reach Ms. Pelosi.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent Russinize Your Day

President Bush Stole Economy

The recession has hit every American hard.  Forcing families to tighten belts and wallets.  A few months ago we were all informed that the recession ended in 2009.  But just this morning the Chairman of President Obama's Council of Economic Advisers released a statement outlining what they believe is the true reason behind the recession.

"It's very Simple" he begins, "We believe the economy hasn't been growing because President Bush literally stole it.  We believe he slipped it into his jacket when he left the White House and has since been holding it in his basement at his ranch.  After analyzing photos of when he left, looking at what type of coat President Bush wore that day, we believe that the longer style he chose was perfect for hiding the economy in, undetected."

We tried to get in touch with somebody from the Council of Economic Advisers, but our phone calls were not returned as they will be out until after the election.  But, Russinize Your Day's very own Economic Expert, David Fischer, had this to say:

"You know that explains a lot, and it really is a diabolical scheme.  If you steal the economy none of President Obama's policies to rebuild it will work cause there is nothing to rebuild, which makes it look like this guy just doesn't know what he's doing, and that makes Republicans look real good.  It's diabolical."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day

Scientists believe salt to blame for death of the dead sea.

Scientists from Columbia University believe that too much salty foods is what killed the dead sea.  The sea, which has been pronounced dead for some time now, has the highest salt content of any other sea in the world.

Lead Scientist Richard Cameron said "we knew it [Salt] was bad for you, but this is the first real substantive evidence that shows it kills, and that tighter government regulation of our foods is needed to ensure that this incident doesn't spread to people, or worse, more seas."

All of the scientists involved with the research project were shocked by their findings.  Marco Rodriguez, another scientist working with Cameron, stated that "for many years we all believed it was natural causes that ended the life of the sea, but we were stunned to find out the truth."  He then went on to say "every sea, every ocean has salt in them, but this much salt?  No, that's killer.  Something must be done."

The only thing not clear from the research is whether it was pure sea salt that killed the sea, or regular iodized salt.  "We assume it was natural sea salt that is to blame, for obvious reasons," comments Cameron, "but we just aren't 100% sure."

Scientists also speculated of a connection between a McDonald's built close to the Dead Sea's shore and it's death, but no solid leads have come from that.  We did attempt to contact McDonald's but have yet to get a response.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day.

A new study out of Harvard and funded by the stimulus package finds that people who see the glass as half empty are more likely to get a refill than those who see it as half full.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

Please be patient as we work to make changes to this blog.  Thank you for your patience, and hey...hang in there tiger.

The Russ VanAllen Corporation
Working to better the world through innovation...whatever the hell that means...

A word from the founder...

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen. Wow, 5 months. What a landmark (Yeah, it's a real accomplishment...(Hey! Shut-up! This is a letter to the readers, not a regular blog post.)...Sorry...). As I was saying, for the past 5 months I have been more than proud to bring you the best entertainment boredom can buy. And, I will continue to push ahead into the future following the very simple motto of Russinize Your Day: Life. It's what we live. Here I take life and ruin it's self-esteem. That is why I do what I do. That and progressing towards the true goal of Russinize Your Day and the Russell VanAllen Corporation: World Domination. Unfortunately that's a field that is very crowded with the likes of Disney, Apple and the Democratic National Committee. But have no fear, we will achieve our end all goal. For now, I will continue to Russinize Your Day, ruin life's self-esteem and wear pants, however not in that order and not all the time. So, stay tuned for more wonderfully crafted, masterful blog posts that you know you will read.

Thank you,

Russ VanAllen
President of Life...