Where Can a Feline Turn

The Pentagon is reviewing another of it's controversial laws, the one banning cats from openly serving in the military, or Don't Ask, Don't Meow.  For years the military has only allowed dogs to serve, banning cats from any form of military service, but that may be changing.  Bolstered by the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell feline rights group the Cat Affection Team, or C.A.T., along with the Feline Rights Campaign have pushed for the Pentagon to review and eventually repeal the law.

C.A.T. Director Cathy Ward, a 52 year-old, stay at home widow who has 22 cats of her own, said "It's time.  It's time for cats everywhere to be able to stand on all fours and serve our nation proudly.  What, you think only a dog can sniff out bombs?...besides, can a dog always land on all fours?  No, no they can not...do they have 9 lives?"  Cathy has long been a cat lover, and founded C.A.T. a few years ago after one of her own, 6 year old Thomas, was denied entry into the military.  "It was a terrible experience for him" Cathy said, "He didn't eat for a few hours after that."

Even after all this time it was difficult for Thomas to talk about the incident, but he still gave us a statement "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow mrow," he then proceeded to clean himself for a few minutes before continuing, "meow mow mow meow, meow meow meow meow meow.  Purr purr purr purr purr purr purr."  Simply a heartbreaking tale.

Lawyers from the Feline Rights Campaign have pitched in to help Ms. Ward fight this battle.  Harriet Barker, President of the campaign, said "this problem goes far beyond a simple law, this extends to the homes, where people mistreat cats all the time.  Dog's are called 'man's best friend' where cats are usually reduced to phrases describing derogatory things such as 'scare-dy cat', or the term 'catty' just to name two.  I mean sure, they scratch you for no reason, walk with there claws out, bite your ankles when you don't feed them, they are afraid of water and dogs, and leave dead rodents on your doorstep and...I forgot where I was going with this."  Could not have said it better.

Yet for all this the question remains: will Thomas' fight be in vain?

Russ VanAllen
Covering news the mainstream media won't...or doesn't know about because I fabricate it...

On the Prowl

Earlier today the Federal Bureau of Statistics reported an alarming increase in cougar attacks and sightings this year than in any other year.  In the past few months cougars, or middle aged women looking for a relationship with younger men, have been spotted in places not usually frequented.  Generally staying to warmer coastal areas, cougars have been pushing into the mid-United States region.  With the most recent sighting in Colorado where three recently graduated college men were celebrating their achievement at a bar.  A cougar struck carrying off one of them.  They found him later outside of a hotel, in a daze and not clear on what happened.  Colorado is not the only state with an increase in cougar activity, though.  Both South and North Dakota along with Kansas and Nebraska have reported several attacks on unsuspecting college men out on the town.

Director of the Federal Bureau of Statistics, Rob Avery says "We believe that cougars are becoming emboldened by advances in surgical procedures that help a woman conceal her age much better than say a year or so ago.  That, global climate change and TV shows like Cougartown, that glamorize this sort of thing, have really added to the increase in cougar activity.  I can only speculate that it will get worse."

So what can you do to protect yourself from a cougar attack?  Well according to Peter Wells of the National Association Against Courtney Cox, the best thing to do is "stay in groups, name out who your specific wing-man is when out with friends (make sure their reliable) and just keep your eyes open.  They are easy to spot, just look for the women who could be your mother, or Nancy Pelosi."

For more on the statistics and projections of the cougar problem visit the Federal Bureau of Statistics website at www.federalBS.com

Russ VanAllen
Brilliance at it's best.

To Save an Economy

White Flag

With many nations struggling against a mounting financial crisis one nation has come out ahead.  And that's France (I know, we were just as shocked).  According to the French Finance Minister, France "has experienced a temporary increase to the National treasury," he then added some classic French logic that "while this influx is only temporary we do believe that if we use it properly it will help us in the future."

How is all this possible?  The French government has begun selling off it's National White Flag Reserve or the NWFR.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who has been trying for some time to get money put into a fund for him and his mistresses, said "we have not had to tap into the NWFR for some time now, so we figured it would be OK to sell most.  We keep a few on hand that have sufficed in times of need."

The sale of the flags is expected to bring in quite a bit of money, but the exact amount has not been released.  The majority of the flags are expected to be bought up by the Japanese to be used to make new national flags, seeing as all they'd have to do is draw a red circle in the middle.  The Dutch are also expected to purchase a few.  When asked what interest the Dutch had in white flags, Prime Minister Jan Belkenende responded "They were cheap."  Along with the Japanese and the Dutch, Nancy Pelosi  announced her intentions to purchase some of the flags, we can only assume in an attempt to work with the new Republican majority in the House.  We attempted to contact Ms. Pelosi, but she never returned our calls.

The French Finance Minister did make it clear that they were "not selling all of their white flags, just the majority of what was in the NWFR," saying "we still have some on hand so if you try to invade, just know, we are prepared."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent of Awesomeness.

The Plan

This morning the Debt Reduction Commission revealed it's plan to lower the mounting national debt.  In a simple 3 step plan consisting of 1 plan and 2 fall back plans, the DRC announced it's recommendation to sell California.  In a statement released this morning, Commission Chairmen Alan Simpson and Erskine Bowles stated that "since California itself is so far in debt, we could sell it for quite a bit of money, lose a bunch of people who are dependent on the government and actually make some headway into fighting the national debt."  The Golden State, which has a population of over 36 million people according to the Census Bureau, has had it's own problems with high debt, sky high unemployment and movie star governors.

Although actually pulling off the sale is a whole different story, as finding a nation who actually wants a bankrupt state with people who rely so heavily on the government is going to be difficult.  Of course the Commission is prepared for that outcome and have installed 2 back-up plans.  The statement from Simpson and Bowles reveals that "in the case that our long shot plan fails, we have two more options available.  The first back-up plan is to sell Detroit, which is almost exactly like the California deal but on a much smaller level, so it may be easier to pull off.  The second back-up plan is to sell Nancy Pelosi.  We actually don't think that will work at all to help the national debt, we just really want to get rid of her; which is one of the perks of selling California."

We questioned Mr. Simpson about the ethicality of these plans, to which he said "Well, we considered that, but we're technically a government body so we don't look at things that way, and frankly, we believe it should have happened a long time ago."  We did ask Mr. Simpson about what would happen with the movie industry in the event California was sold, to which he replied "it's not like they've produced some really great films recently, so we on the Commission don't feel like we'd lose much."  We did try to contact Ms. Pelosi, but none of our calls were returned.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day

Wink, Wink

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen.  I'm sure you all know who I am.  If you don't, well, I'm so sorry.  Now I wanted to take some time out of my incredibly busy schedule to talk to you about people who add little smiley or winking faces whilst typing, yet aren't really doing those things.  If you didn't actually smile at your comment, you should not be adding in one of these :).   If you didn't wink at your computer screen, then why are you adding this ;)?  If you add one of these :D then why aren't you...well actually, I'm not sure what that's supposed to be...are you gaping?  Maybe surprised?...I'm not sure...Anyway little emoticon thingies should follow the same rules as "LOLing" or "ROFLing" or "LMAOing".  If you didn't laugh out loud or roll on the floor laughing or if your a** didn't literally fall off while in a fit of laughter you just lied to whoever you were typing to.  How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that?  Now, you may be saying "Russ, you hypocrite, you lie everyday.  How can you criticize me for it?"  Where that may be true, you must remember I'm a professional.  I graduated with a BS in Arts and I'm able to lie flawlessly and make it seem natural.  In fact my lies are so perfect they become the truth...which then means I didn't lie thus making me not a liar...?  So in short don't go throwing around little emoticon thingies unless you are smiling or creeperishly winking at somebody or sitting with your mouth open...seriously, what is that? :D, it's just weird...

Russ VanAllen
This has been a special presentation of Russ' Corner brought to by Russinize Your Day.

Obama Goes "Undercover"

With midterms just around the corner and Democrats set to take a beating; His popularity plummeting and members of his own party distancing themselves from his policies, Obama is seeking to reinvent himself as the man his party saw on the campaign trail.  Where that may not be an easy task, the President has an ace up his sleeve.

The Ace?  Mr. Obama is set to appear on CBS's reality show Undercover Boss.  Where he will go around Capitol Hill performing the jobs of Senators, Representatives, Staffers and fill several other positions.  Most anticipated, though, is the rumor that he may perform the role of a Senatorial Page.  Which includes running newly written bills from the Lobbyists who wrote them to the Senators who will propose them, along with fending off sexual advances from those same Senators.

At a press conference yesterday, the President said he was "very excited" to be able to do this.  Hoping that his party will see he is "just like them" and that they don't have to be afraid to have him come out and campaign for them.

Of course the President could not go into great detail about what we can expect from the show seeing as he's "undercover" and nobody but the viewers are supposed to know that it's him.  The White House Press Secretary did inform us that the President will not have his teleprompters with him...so we don't expect him to say much.

While away from the oval office Hawaii Senator and President Pro Tempore Daniel Inouye will reside as acting President seeing as the other two options are Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi.  When asked how he felt about Senator Inouye serving as President while Obama is on Undercover Boss, Joe Biden responded "Oh, I love that show!"  We could not reach Ms. Pelosi.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent Russinize Your Day

President Bush Stole Economy

The recession has hit every American hard.  Forcing families to tighten belts and wallets.  A few months ago we were all informed that the recession ended in 2009.  But just this morning the Chairman of President Obama's Council of Economic Advisers released a statement outlining what they believe is the true reason behind the recession.

"It's very Simple" he begins, "We believe the economy hasn't been growing because President Bush literally stole it.  We believe he slipped it into his jacket when he left the White House and has since been holding it in his basement at his ranch.  After analyzing photos of when he left, looking at what type of coat President Bush wore that day, we believe that the longer style he chose was perfect for hiding the economy in, undetected."

We tried to get in touch with somebody from the Council of Economic Advisers, but our phone calls were not returned as they will be out until after the election.  But, Russinize Your Day's very own Economic Expert, David Fischer, had this to say:

"You know that explains a lot, and it really is a diabolical scheme.  If you steal the economy none of President Obama's policies to rebuild it will work cause there is nothing to rebuild, which makes it look like this guy just doesn't know what he's doing, and that makes Republicans look real good.  It's diabolical."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day