BEER!!!!!!!!!

When politics is just one big, dirty mess, things don't look too bright (not to mention those in politics). But, that is changing, my dear readers. While all eyes were on Tuesday's primaries, and one special election, the House was doing their job; and boy did they do it (the suspense is killing you, I know...but relax, I need time to build up so I can make myself feel relevant) passing HR 1297 (whatever that means) which supports: "the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week." My friends (I'm a maverick), I think this is fantastic (our Representatives can finally be open about their alcohol problem). Kudos to Representative Betsy Markey, who sponsored this bill (if she hadn't I know for a fact Pelosi would have), and obviously loves her beer and all that goes with it. Just by reading her speak I know this bill is good for our country, and for America. When talking about it ("it" being beer) she said "You can't just have one" (I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives) "it really depends on what mood you're in. Sometimes I like a light beer - I might want a skinny dip (I'm scared to ask what that is) - or otherwise prefer a heavier brew." This is the reason we elect politicians, they know what they're doing (....). Why would anybody want to vote against this? Well, Sparkey (Oops, Markey....my bad....) doesn't think anybody would, saying "It does seem like a no brainer" (Actually, I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives....). So here's to all the Reps who passed this earth shaking legislation, pour yourself a tall one, Markey and Pelosi grab a skinny dip (AH!! I should not have said that...the imagery...)...cheers...

Russ VanAllen
I wonder if anybody got the maverick joke...hm...oh well.

Nice beaver...

With terrorists all over the place and wars starting here and there, the question arises as to whether or not we're on the right track to catching those that wish to destroy America and democracy. Well I say no. Why do I say no, you ask? Because we have overlooked one major enemy that is camped right on our doorstep, operating out of a facility so large it can be seen from space, that's right, you can see the dam thing from space! How we haven't taken notice of them before I don't know, and some sources say they've been operating at this facility since the 1970's. Where is this located, you inquire? In Canada, but the threat isn't the occupants of the useless country, it's the beavers building a massive dam in Wood Buffalo National Park (Wood Buffalo?). These beavers are deadly eco-terrorists (I really have no clue what that means), I mean come on, they chop down trees to build stuff (and make paper)! Which leads me to what I believe is their ultimate plot. Without trees we won't have shade to lay under, on those hot summer days, and we will all be badly sunburned. (Here's where is gets graphic) That's when the attack will begin, they will invade every city and slap our sunburned selves with their massive tails!! It's something you could only hope not to see in a movie with Eddie Murphy or that guy from "The Mummy". So take it from me, the greatest threat to America and democracy is Canada...I mean beavers...



Russ VanAllen
Conspiratative Theorizer