Aficionadocationizing...

(That's a completely made up word (Excuse me, did you just open this blog post with a parenthesized comment?) Yes, got a problem with it...it's my blog, I'll do what I want (Technically it's OUR blog, and you/I are/am arguing with yourself/myself...)...touche) I am so sorry you all had to witness that. Aficionadocationizing is NOT a made up word...OK well it is, but it has a meaning...give me a second to think of one...(This may take a while...)...For now, I am going to say that it is the "act of lying about being an aficionado of something" (So basically you aficionadocationize all day?). I witnessed this the other day while attending Two Gentlemen of Verona...which, for those who don't know, is a play by William Shakespeare. In the playbill one of the "actors" claimed to be an aficionado at Comedy, Film and Music. WHAT!! You can't claim to be an aficionado at all those things! You have obviously not aficionado'd (Another made up use of the word "aficionado") before. For one thing, it's just too many things to be an "aficionado" at (Who do you think you are, me?), and for two thing...wait a tick, there's an awesome "old style" plane outside, I'm gonna go re-enact the airplane scene from North by Northwest...OK I am back, for two thing I saw his so-called "comedy" and it was definitely NOT the work of an aficionado (I think Scott Erno is more funny than that guy was...); which, then, leads me to believe he isn't that aficionadoable of films or music (Because he sure wasn't at comedy). So don't go around saying your an aficionado at so many things, or anything you aren't...I mean that's like me saying I am an aficionado at bull-fighting, sure it sounds cool, but put it to the test and I'd be gored (Like a pumpkin...? Or a gourd...?).

Russ VanAllen
Aficionado at life (And never having a girlfriend (Shut-up!!))

"Stevil"...

Vanity plates. That little way of telling the world "Hey, I'm pretty cool" (Yet, really telling them "No, no I'm not"). I never understood the appeal of a vanity plate. The last thing I want while driving is to be introduced to somebody, especially via their license plate. That's why Gerald Ford invented cars in the first place (Wrong Ford...actually that whole sentence is way off) so that people would not have to interact with each other while en-route to their destination. We can sit alone in our cars, windows rolled up, air on, and be untethered by every Tom, Dick or Harry (That's rather sexist. What, you can't be bothered by a woman?). Anyway, I've now totally lost my train of thought on this matter...oh, right, vanity plates. I don't care what it is you put on there, it's stupid. It makes you look like a loser, and it makes me want to ram my Chrysler up your tale-pipe (That's rather harsh...but then again, I have not had coffee all day, so....back off!!). So to the man with a license plate that reads "Stevil" to the people who add an "8" in for "ate" (i.e. - K8...hahaha...), I have an idea of where you need to go...

...back to the DMV to get a new license plate, that's where!

Russ VanAllen
I have not had coffee all day...

Curse you pop-ups!!...

It's a bird, it's a plane (No! Stop looking outside)! I'm talking about pop-ups. They're annoying (Ah right to the point. I love a man who's straight forward...wait...no I don't). I mean I can see how it's "brilliant" because it pops up right as I'm about to click something so I inadvertently click on the add and then have to endure it taking me to the website of the advertiser, but it makes me never want to purchase the product being forced upon me (NO I WILL NOT BUY THE NEW CHEVY MALIBU!!). Besides it takes me about 3 hours (Way to not over-exaggerate...) to find the stinkin' "close" button. So to the people responsible for advertising and marketing, STOP AMBUSHING ME! And I may be more inclined to go out and get myself whatever your forcing down my throat (...But probably not).

Russ VanAllen
I'm gonna go buy a Chevy Malibu...

How to succeed in business without really trying...

That's really an easy answer. Casinos! Where else can you go with $100 and leave with $1,000 (Or you could lose your money...but we don't talk about that)? Now, in California it's even easier for people without money to make money at casinos (...), as California will now allow you to cash in your welfare checks at casinos (Because California is only looking out for you and not trying to just overcome a massive budget deficit). You can even cash it in right there at the ATM (How convenient...). It's brilliant. Now poor people have a chance to make a fortune and therefore stop being poor...which will in turn make America more classy (Yeah, that's our problem, we lack class...). Now, don't go and take this blog post out of context saying it's an "Anti-poor" post. I support the poor...I just don't care about them (Classy...). But now, California has given them a chance to redeem themselves. So my message to poor people: take your welfare checks, go to California and hit the casinos! You're life can only improve (...). Where else are you going to get money from? The government? No (Wait, isn't that what welfare is?). This is your chance to make money the legit and American way.

Russ VanAllen
One Classy Brawd

I like my bimbo soft and white...

But not the sort of bimbo you'd find on the street, or working as your secretary (What do you think I am?!). No, this bimbo you can pick up at Meijers, because it's bread (For the other type of bimbo you have to go to Wal-mart). Now the billboard I saw (Which tipped me off to this bread) specifically says "Say Beembo!"...but if you have to clarify exactly how to pronounce your product, you shouldn't be allowed to sell it. I mean that's like making something and calling it "bitch" but saying "Say Betch!" (That was kind of a sucky example...(Yeah, I'm just lazy today)). If you have to clarify just how your product is pronounced it should be illegal. Maybe the Government should focus less on a moratorium on offshore drilling and focus more on a moratorium on confusing product names that need clarification so they aren't misconstrued as inappropriate (That's a lengthy title...).

Russ VanAllen
Avid bread eater.