On the Prowl

Earlier today the Federal Bureau of Statistics reported an alarming increase in cougar attacks and sightings this year than in any other year.  In the past few months cougars, or middle aged women looking for a relationship with younger men, have been spotted in places not usually frequented.  Generally staying to warmer coastal areas, cougars have been pushing into the mid-United States region.  With the most recent sighting in Colorado where three recently graduated college men were celebrating their achievement at a bar.  A cougar struck carrying off one of them.  They found him later outside of a hotel, in a daze and not clear on what happened.  Colorado is not the only state with an increase in cougar activity, though.  Both South and North Dakota along with Kansas and Nebraska have reported several attacks on unsuspecting college men out on the town.

Director of the Federal Bureau of Statistics, Rob Avery says "We believe that cougars are becoming emboldened by advances in surgical procedures that help a woman conceal her age much better than say a year or so ago.  That, global climate change and TV shows like Cougartown, that glamorize this sort of thing, have really added to the increase in cougar activity.  I can only speculate that it will get worse."

So what can you do to protect yourself from a cougar attack?  Well according to Peter Wells of the National Association Against Courtney Cox, the best thing to do is "stay in groups, name out who your specific wing-man is when out with friends (make sure their reliable) and just keep your eyes open.  They are easy to spot, just look for the women who could be your mother, or Nancy Pelosi."

For more on the statistics and projections of the cougar problem visit the Federal Bureau of Statistics website at www.federalBS.com

Russ VanAllen
Brilliance at it's best.

To Save an Economy

White Flag

With many nations struggling against a mounting financial crisis one nation has come out ahead.  And that's France (I know, we were just as shocked).  According to the French Finance Minister, France "has experienced a temporary increase to the National treasury," he then added some classic French logic that "while this influx is only temporary we do believe that if we use it properly it will help us in the future."

How is all this possible?  The French government has begun selling off it's National White Flag Reserve or the NWFR.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who has been trying for some time to get money put into a fund for him and his mistresses, said "we have not had to tap into the NWFR for some time now, so we figured it would be OK to sell most.  We keep a few on hand that have sufficed in times of need."

The sale of the flags is expected to bring in quite a bit of money, but the exact amount has not been released.  The majority of the flags are expected to be bought up by the Japanese to be used to make new national flags, seeing as all they'd have to do is draw a red circle in the middle.  The Dutch are also expected to purchase a few.  When asked what interest the Dutch had in white flags, Prime Minister Jan Belkenende responded "They were cheap."  Along with the Japanese and the Dutch, Nancy Pelosi  announced her intentions to purchase some of the flags, we can only assume in an attempt to work with the new Republican majority in the House.  We attempted to contact Ms. Pelosi, but she never returned our calls.

The French Finance Minister did make it clear that they were "not selling all of their white flags, just the majority of what was in the NWFR," saying "we still have some on hand so if you try to invade, just know, we are prepared."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent of Awesomeness.