Friday, December 31, 2010
Director of the Federal Bureau of Statistics, Rob Avery says "We believe that cougars are becoming emboldened by advances in surgical procedures that help a woman conceal her age much better than say a year or so ago. That, global climate change and TV shows like Cougartown, that glamorize this sort of thing, have really added to the increase in cougar activity. I can only speculate that it will get worse."
So what can you do to protect yourself from a cougar attack? Well according to Peter Wells of the National Association Against Courtney Cox, the best thing to do is "stay in groups, name out who your specific wing-man is when out with friends (make sure their reliable) and just keep your eyes open. They are easy to spot, just look for the women who could be your mother, or Nancy Pelosi."
For more on the statistics and projections of the cougar problem visit the Federal Bureau of Statistics website at www.federalBS.com
Brilliance at it's best.
Friday, December 17, 2010
How is all this possible? The French government has begun selling off it's National White Flag Reserve or the NWFR. French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who has been trying for some time to get money put into a fund for him and his mistresses, said "we have not had to tap into the NWFR for some time now, so we figured it would be OK to sell most. We keep a few on hand that have sufficed in times of need."
The sale of the flags is expected to bring in quite a bit of money, but the exact amount has not been released. The majority of the flags are expected to be bought up by the Japanese to be used to make new national flags, seeing as all they'd have to do is draw a red circle in the middle. The Dutch are also expected to purchase a few. When asked what interest the Dutch had in white flags, Prime Minister Jan Belkenende responded "They were cheap." Along with the Japanese and the Dutch, Nancy Pelosi announced her intentions to purchase some of the flags, we can only assume in an attempt to work with the new Republican majority in the House. We attempted to contact Ms. Pelosi, but she never returned our calls.
Chief Correspondent of Awesomeness.