On the Prowl

Earlier today the Federal Bureau of Statistics reported an alarming increase in cougar attacks and sightings this year than in any other year.  In the past few months cougars, or middle aged women looking for a relationship with younger men, have been spotted in places not usually frequented.  Generally staying to warmer coastal areas, cougars have been pushing into the mid-United States region.  With the most recent sighting in Colorado where three recently graduated college men were celebrating their achievement at a bar.  A cougar struck carrying off one of them.  They found him later outside of a hotel, in a daze and not clear on what happened.  Colorado is not the only state with an increase in cougar activity, though.  Both South and North Dakota along with Kansas and Nebraska have reported several attacks on unsuspecting college men out on the town.

Director of the Federal Bureau of Statistics, Rob Avery says "We believe that cougars are becoming emboldened by advances in surgical procedures that help a woman conceal her age much better than say a year or so ago.  That, global climate change and TV shows like Cougartown, that glamorize this sort of thing, have really added to the increase in cougar activity.  I can only speculate that it will get worse."

So what can you do to protect yourself from a cougar attack?  Well according to Peter Wells of the National Association Against Courtney Cox, the best thing to do is "stay in groups, name out who your specific wing-man is when out with friends (make sure their reliable) and just keep your eyes open.  They are easy to spot, just look for the women who could be your mother, or Nancy Pelosi."

For more on the statistics and projections of the cougar problem visit the Federal Bureau of Statistics website at www.federalBS.com

Russ VanAllen
Brilliance at it's best.

To Save an Economy

White Flag

With many nations struggling against a mounting financial crisis one nation has come out ahead.  And that's France (I know, we were just as shocked).  According to the French Finance Minister, France "has experienced a temporary increase to the National treasury," he then added some classic French logic that "while this influx is only temporary we do believe that if we use it properly it will help us in the future."

How is all this possible?  The French government has begun selling off it's National White Flag Reserve or the NWFR.  French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who has been trying for some time to get money put into a fund for him and his mistresses, said "we have not had to tap into the NWFR for some time now, so we figured it would be OK to sell most.  We keep a few on hand that have sufficed in times of need."

The sale of the flags is expected to bring in quite a bit of money, but the exact amount has not been released.  The majority of the flags are expected to be bought up by the Japanese to be used to make new national flags, seeing as all they'd have to do is draw a red circle in the middle.  The Dutch are also expected to purchase a few.  When asked what interest the Dutch had in white flags, Prime Minister Jan Belkenende responded "They were cheap."  Along with the Japanese and the Dutch, Nancy Pelosi  announced her intentions to purchase some of the flags, we can only assume in an attempt to work with the new Republican majority in the House.  We attempted to contact Ms. Pelosi, but she never returned our calls.

The French Finance Minister did make it clear that they were "not selling all of their white flags, just the majority of what was in the NWFR," saying "we still have some on hand so if you try to invade, just know, we are prepared."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent of Awesomeness.

The Plan

This morning the Debt Reduction Commission revealed it's plan to lower the mounting national debt.  In a simple 3 step plan consisting of 1 plan and 2 fall back plans, the DRC announced it's recommendation to sell California.  In a statement released this morning, Commission Chairmen Alan Simpson and Erskine Bowles stated that "since California itself is so far in debt, we could sell it for quite a bit of money, lose a bunch of people who are dependent on the government and actually make some headway into fighting the national debt."  The Golden State, which has a population of over 36 million people according to the Census Bureau, has had it's own problems with high debt, sky high unemployment and movie star governors.

Although actually pulling off the sale is a whole different story, as finding a nation who actually wants a bankrupt state with people who rely so heavily on the government is going to be difficult.  Of course the Commission is prepared for that outcome and have installed 2 back-up plans.  The statement from Simpson and Bowles reveals that "in the case that our long shot plan fails, we have two more options available.  The first back-up plan is to sell Detroit, which is almost exactly like the California deal but on a much smaller level, so it may be easier to pull off.  The second back-up plan is to sell Nancy Pelosi.  We actually don't think that will work at all to help the national debt, we just really want to get rid of her; which is one of the perks of selling California."

We questioned Mr. Simpson about the ethicality of these plans, to which he said "Well, we considered that, but we're technically a government body so we don't look at things that way, and frankly, we believe it should have happened a long time ago."  We did ask Mr. Simpson about what would happen with the movie industry in the event California was sold, to which he replied "it's not like they've produced some really great films recently, so we on the Commission don't feel like we'd lose much."  We did try to contact Ms. Pelosi, but none of our calls were returned.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day

Wink, Wink

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen.  I'm sure you all know who I am.  If you don't, well, I'm so sorry.  Now I wanted to take some time out of my incredibly busy schedule to talk to you about people who add little smiley or winking faces whilst typing, yet aren't really doing those things.  If you didn't actually smile at your comment, you should not be adding in one of these :).   If you didn't wink at your computer screen, then why are you adding this ;)?  If you add one of these :D then why aren't you...well actually, I'm not sure what that's supposed to be...are you gaping?  Maybe surprised?...I'm not sure...Anyway little emoticon thingies should follow the same rules as "LOLing" or "ROFLing" or "LMAOing".  If you didn't laugh out loud or roll on the floor laughing or if your a** didn't literally fall off while in a fit of laughter you just lied to whoever you were typing to.  How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that?  Now, you may be saying "Russ, you hypocrite, you lie everyday.  How can you criticize me for it?"  Where that may be true, you must remember I'm a professional.  I graduated with a BS in Arts and I'm able to lie flawlessly and make it seem natural.  In fact my lies are so perfect they become the truth...which then means I didn't lie thus making me not a liar...?  So in short don't go throwing around little emoticon thingies unless you are smiling or creeperishly winking at somebody or sitting with your mouth open...seriously, what is that? :D, it's just weird...

Russ VanAllen
This has been a special presentation of Russ' Corner brought to by Russinize Your Day.

Obama Goes "Undercover"

With midterms just around the corner and Democrats set to take a beating; His popularity plummeting and members of his own party distancing themselves from his policies, Obama is seeking to reinvent himself as the man his party saw on the campaign trail.  Where that may not be an easy task, the President has an ace up his sleeve.

The Ace?  Mr. Obama is set to appear on CBS's reality show Undercover Boss.  Where he will go around Capitol Hill performing the jobs of Senators, Representatives, Staffers and fill several other positions.  Most anticipated, though, is the rumor that he may perform the role of a Senatorial Page.  Which includes running newly written bills from the Lobbyists who wrote them to the Senators who will propose them, along with fending off sexual advances from those same Senators.

At a press conference yesterday, the President said he was "very excited" to be able to do this.  Hoping that his party will see he is "just like them" and that they don't have to be afraid to have him come out and campaign for them.

Of course the President could not go into great detail about what we can expect from the show seeing as he's "undercover" and nobody but the viewers are supposed to know that it's him.  The White House Press Secretary did inform us that the President will not have his teleprompters with him...so we don't expect him to say much.

While away from the oval office Hawaii Senator and President Pro Tempore Daniel Inouye will reside as acting President seeing as the other two options are Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi.  When asked how he felt about Senator Inouye serving as President while Obama is on Undercover Boss, Joe Biden responded "Oh, I love that show!"  We could not reach Ms. Pelosi.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent Russinize Your Day

President Bush Stole Economy

The recession has hit every American hard.  Forcing families to tighten belts and wallets.  A few months ago we were all informed that the recession ended in 2009.  But just this morning the Chairman of President Obama's Council of Economic Advisers released a statement outlining what they believe is the true reason behind the recession.

"It's very Simple" he begins, "We believe the economy hasn't been growing because President Bush literally stole it.  We believe he slipped it into his jacket when he left the White House and has since been holding it in his basement at his ranch.  After analyzing photos of when he left, looking at what type of coat President Bush wore that day, we believe that the longer style he chose was perfect for hiding the economy in, undetected."

We tried to get in touch with somebody from the Council of Economic Advisers, but our phone calls were not returned as they will be out until after the election.  But, Russinize Your Day's very own Economic Expert, David Fischer, had this to say:

"You know that explains a lot, and it really is a diabolical scheme.  If you steal the economy none of President Obama's policies to rebuild it will work cause there is nothing to rebuild, which makes it look like this guy just doesn't know what he's doing, and that makes Republicans look real good.  It's diabolical."

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day

Scientists believe salt to blame for death of the dead sea.

Scientists from Columbia University believe that too much salty foods is what killed the dead sea.  The sea, which has been pronounced dead for some time now, has the highest salt content of any other sea in the world.

Lead Scientist Richard Cameron said "we knew it [Salt] was bad for you, but this is the first real substantive evidence that shows it kills, and that tighter government regulation of our foods is needed to ensure that this incident doesn't spread to people, or worse, more seas."

All of the scientists involved with the research project were shocked by their findings.  Marco Rodriguez, another scientist working with Cameron, stated that "for many years we all believed it was natural causes that ended the life of the sea, but we were stunned to find out the truth."  He then went on to say "every sea, every ocean has salt in them, but this much salt?  No, that's killer.  Something must be done."

The only thing not clear from the research is whether it was pure sea salt that killed the sea, or regular iodized salt.  "We assume it was natural sea salt that is to blame, for obvious reasons," comments Cameron, "but we just aren't 100% sure."

Scientists also speculated of a connection between a McDonald's built close to the Dead Sea's shore and it's death, but no solid leads have come from that.  We did attempt to contact McDonald's but have yet to get a response.

Russ VanAllen
Chief Correspondent for Russinize Your Day.

A new study out of Harvard and funded by the stimulus package finds that people who see the glass as half empty are more likely to get a refill than those who see it as half full.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION...

Please be patient as we work to make changes to this blog.  Thank you for your patience, and hey...hang in there tiger.

The Russ VanAllen Corporation
Working to better the world through innovation...whatever the hell that means...

A word from the founder...

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen. Wow, 5 months. What a landmark (Yeah, it's a real accomplishment...(Hey! Shut-up! This is a letter to the readers, not a regular blog post.)...Sorry...). As I was saying, for the past 5 months I have been more than proud to bring you the best entertainment boredom can buy. And, I will continue to push ahead into the future following the very simple motto of Russinize Your Day: Life. It's what we live. Here I take life and ruin it's self-esteem. That is why I do what I do. That and progressing towards the true goal of Russinize Your Day and the Russell VanAllen Corporation: World Domination. Unfortunately that's a field that is very crowded with the likes of Disney, Apple and the Democratic National Committee. But have no fear, we will achieve our end all goal. For now, I will continue to Russinize Your Day, ruin life's self-esteem and wear pants, however not in that order and not all the time. So, stay tuned for more wonderfully crafted, masterful blog posts that you know you will read.

Thank you,

Russ VanAllen
President of Life...

It's just that kind of day...

Facebook is always an interesting tool to cruise and see what sorts of things people "like". Some are just crazy (Like most people who use facebook...and yes, that does include me)...give me a sec, I'm laughing...I'm listening to the soundtrack of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and it's hilarious!...OK, I'm ready to focus...somewhat (I'm no miracle worker)....One thing that someone "liked" was titled "Saying 'I love you' without really meaning it should be illegal". Should that be illegal, or should you believing them be illegal? I mean come on, if I meant it all the times that I told some young lady "I love you" I would be in real trouble (Ha! Yeah, right...you really expect people to believe that? (Hey! I can be suave and debonair if I want...)...OK...)...anyway, get over it, try not to make that mistake again (Even though we all know that you will) and get off facebook for a while (Maybe see a psycho-analyst, I can recommend a few...).

Russ VanAllen
Always here to help...unless it includes me actually doing something...

Boldly going...or not...

I like to think of myself as a pioneer. Someone who's intelligence is so brilliant that it paves the way for future generations (Ummm...OK?). I'm sure you all agree (If you don't...well, it's my blog...so there...). That being said, I have to ask myself why I'm reading news reports about us finding planets in distant places that are very close to the eco-balance of that of our own, sweet earth. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well...how should I put this? We can't even get a man past the moon, or, frankly, even back to the moon (Although we do have one wicked space station...that we share with other nations.). Why are we out looking for other planets when we have no way, and at this current rate of progression, will never have a way to get to it? You'd think that even a rocket scientist would see this small hiccup... Now I'm not an expert in the ways of space and travel and new planets and the solar system and NASA (National Association of Stupid *Censored*), but I am an expert at life and that entitles me to comment on anything and everything I want. So, lets do something productive; wait 'til the Chinese and the Russians are in the International Space Station (Because I'm sure enough of them spend a bunch of time up there...), blow it up and then work on getting space traveling capabilities (Which we will need when China and Russia retaliate...). See, we just need a little motivation (Mmhmm...).

Russ VanAllen
Helping to ease tensions between America and it's "allies".

RVASD...

Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen (As if you didn't know). I'm always one of those "look for the good in people" type of person (Yeah...not really.), but I'm always shocked that the majority of lives in this world are incapable of doing even the most minute and simplest of things. To explain, I'm going to force all my readers into the Russ VanAllen School of Driving (We'll talk about the fee after...). Today's lesson will be an emphasis on turns and how to execute them correctly and is entitled...Turns, and how to execute them correctly...Part 1 (Ahem...). In this first part we will be discussing how to let people know you are turning. I know this seems like a novel concept. I mean, you'd think they'd install something on your car that would allow you to do this so you don't just suddenly slow down and impede those behind you...well, they do (Shocker...). It's called a blinker, or sometimes even a turn signal. Located to the left of the steering column (At least in America, I don't know about England, or even Canada for that matter...do Mounties have blinkers on their horses?), the blinker can signal vehicles behind you, letting them know "Hey I'm turning". Now, you may be asking "Are these a new thing?" Well, surprisingly no, they've been around for a while. So, you know...USE THEM!!! It's called common courtesy people (I never thought I would see the day when I am the only person alive who understands common courtesy...what is going on!)!

Russ VanAllen
Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2...I know, I got lazy...

Everytime you wear pants, you're hurting America...

Fear-mongers everywhere keep trying to blame the Federal Government for the state of our economy (Ridiculous!...). But I finally found an article (Or at the least the picture for an article) that actually tells the truth about who, or what, is to blame (I didn't actually read the article...that would have involved me doing work...). According to this article's picture, pockets are to blame for the state of our economy! That's right! Those little storage places on your pants (and occasionally shirts) are the reason our economy is the way it is. Now, I know what you're thinking "How is that possible, Russ? You're just a crazy-monger.". Where as most of that is true, my haphazard theories have never let me down before...that often. When you get money from the bank, you put it in your pocket (Instead of leaving it in the government run bank for the Federal Government to have access to it, which is what fuels the economy). Then, you forget about it and your clothes go through the wash. After 5 weeks you finally get around to wearing those pants again. You reach into your pocket, and what do you find? Nothing. Come to find out your wife found it while doing the laundry and she went out and bought a new dress (Or whatever women buy at stores). Way to go, my friend, your pockets just funded Capitalism (Which as we know from Michael Moore movies is evil and ruining our economy). So your pockets just funded the ruinization of our economy. How do you feel now? (I can't believe I was actually able to wrap that up! Man I'm good!!)

Russ VanAllen
Your day has just been Russinized!!
Disclaimer: Russ VanAllen, Russinize Your Day, the Russ VanAllen Corporation, and all subsidiary companies, are not liable for any mental trauma, delusions of grandeur, repetitive name dropping, the contraction of mad cow disease, conspiracy theories, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or voices in your head that may result from the Russinization of your day. Thank you.

Nobody cares...

I am listening to the radio (The Glenn Beck Program...3rd most listened to radio show in the U.S. (Uh-oh, shameless Conservative radio show plug!)) when I heard a commercial on the station that got me very concerned. It was about a Dentist (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...that's not even that funny...). Now, this Dentist couldn't get patients (Do Dentists have patients? I'm not brushed up on my Doctor/Dentist lingo...) because there was a review on the Internet about his practice (Is it called a practice for a Dentist? Again, I just don't know...) and it was from a disgruntled patient...ya know what, I'm just going to call all Dentist "patients" victims, because we all know that's what they really are...so this victim was upset and so they gave him a bad review and that kept the Dentist from getting more victims (Puts a whole new spin on it...). Then the very convincingly serious narrator made the point that sums up the whole commercial, he said:

"The Internet does not call you for your side of the story."

And that brings me to my point (I don't get that saying, my point? I don't own a point, I don't have one on my body (nor do I have one in general)...well unless they mean my elbows...OK, that could work...)...So, that brings me to my elbows. Why doesn't the Internet call to get our side of the story? Instead it completely takes a one sided stance against good people trying to make a living (And Dentists...hehehe). And that's rude! Why we keep using this inconsiderate tool known as the Internet who won't even call to get our side of the story, I'll never know! If it doesn't have the decency to call me and ask what I think, I will stop using it!!...but then I wouldn't have this blog...(Hmmmm...)...Well, I guess the Dentist is just gonna have to deal with it and stop messing up!

Russ VanAllen
I blog because I care...I guess

I feel it too...

I have a simple motto in life...I can't remember it, but it's pretty good (It's the mad cow...). But it's a shame that not everybody can be as awesome at life as I am. I mean, I'm fantastic. This point is made oh so clear in the play I'm currently "in". In this play I simply play a member of a jury. That's it! Me and 7 other guys (10 altogether, but 2 of them actually have a part) just sit on stage. It's basically jury duty where we show up with our decision already made (Ya know, how jury duty should be...). Yet, it amazes me that I am the ONLY person who can actually pull this off! I am the ONLY one (Well, there may be one other, but who cares, right?) who can sit there and keep my trap shut and not make gestures. Example time! At certain points in the script the "audience" in the courtroom will make some ruckus, and the guy sitting next to me will actually point and start saying (Quite loudly, mind you) "Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub". WHAT!!!!! Even if that was a remotely good trick to use when in need of a bunch of talking, it works best when more people than just you say it!!! Example 2. The courtroom "audience" will have moments of outbursts and occasional laughter and some men on the jury will mirror them. NO!! You're not supposed to do that you dunces (I think that's the first time I've ever typed the word "dunces"...)!! I know you all want to get noticed, but it makes you look stupid (Really stupid). Besides I'm good with just sitting there, I look fantastic. I mean, I'm in a suit and I look good...I mean I'm hot (On fire!!).

Russ VanAllen
I'm so wired this morning, I've had about 50 cups of coffee...

"Maybe I'll slip it in her brownie"...

*Takes deep breath* Ah, this is my favorite season of them all, political season (That sweet smell of lies and deceit hanging in the air, well, there's just nothing like it...). I wanted to take this time, away from all the criticism of our dear Congress, to look at something they have done that is for our betterment (I know, it's a rather novel idea...), even though a recent bill they just passed will certainly affect my blog by completely eliminating my entire fan base (All 5 people?...(We are NOT starting this again!)). How, you ask? Because it targets pot brownies (See what I did there? I just insinuated my entire "fan" base are druggies...it'll be just my luck that it turns out to be true...). That's right, ongress...WHAT!! My computer doesn't want to type "C", I have to pound the poor key for it to actually type! What is going on!!!!!...anyway, Congress has passed the "Saving Kids from Dangerous Drugs Act of 2009" (Wow...no wonder the Democrats don't read the bills, I'm exhausted just reading the title...), making the kitchens much, much safer for our youth.

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: Neither Russ VanAllen nor the Russ VanAllen Corporation, or any subsidiary company therein, condone the use of illegal drugs of any sort (Except Mary Jane, but that's just because we're not sure what it is...).

Hurricane "Twister"...

Giving hurricanes and tropical storms people names is probably the worst idea since sliced bread (Everybody says sliced bread was a good idea, but was it?...). I mean when I hear that Hurricane Nancy is bearing down on Louisiana all I can think is "Oh those poor people, the Speaker of the House is paying them a visit" (It's horrifying, I know). So why not switch to a better way of identifying those zany hurricanes and tropical storms (A way that won't strike fear into the hearts of every man, woman and child in a state). As usual, I don't just complain about something without offering a solution, so here's my idea. What we need to do is name hurricanes and tropical storms after movies, preferably those that people actually know. Imagine turning on the news and hearing:

Anchor: "Tonight at midnight hurricane Return of the Jedi will hit every theatre in New Orleans (Too soon?)."

See, you feel much more at ease about a hurricane hitting. Sure you may have 100 mph winds and catastrophic damage but at least you can rest assured knowing it's named after a movie. The beauty of this idea is that if somebody doesn't like Star Wars (They're losers...) there are plenty of movies to name them after. Also, you can get rid of the arbitrary numbers system for telling how bad the storm will be. So instead of the storm being a Mach 5 hurricane (Obviously I am not really sure how they rate hurricanes) you judge it by how much money it made at the box office (So if it's named after a James Cameron film, GET OUT!!...on the other hand, if it's a movie that starred John Travolta you're safe. Battlefield Earth anyone??). It's brilliant and fool proof (No comment...)!

Russ VanAllen
The world is a better place with me around.

Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational blog...

Well folks, it looks as though the navy has finally decided to listen to me. They have successfully tested a laser weapon to shoot down 4 unmanned drones. This is great news, because now we are well on our way to getting the Death Star (I already have my Darth Vader suit ready for when I take it over). Yet, it concerns me that they are saying the laser won't be deployed anytime soon. Come on!! You shot down 4 unmanned drones, what's the issue here? As far as I'm concerned the only thing left to do is shoot down manned drones (Can drones be manned?...Ooh, ooh, ooh, let it be the Russians...). It's time to use this technology and build the Death Star making America the ultimate power in the galaxy (Except for a stray X-wing that will fire a proton torpedo into our one weakness...). I do request, however, that whoever is in charge of this laser program always be dressed as Admiral Ackbar and they can only say "It's a trap!" That is all.

Russ VanAllen
Join me and your path to the dark side will be complete...Yeah, I know, I'm a Star Wars nerd...

Aficionadocationizing...

(That's a completely made up word (Excuse me, did you just open this blog post with a parenthesized comment?) Yes, got a problem with it...it's my blog, I'll do what I want (Technically it's OUR blog, and you/I are/am arguing with yourself/myself...)...touche) I am so sorry you all had to witness that. Aficionadocationizing is NOT a made up word...OK well it is, but it has a meaning...give me a second to think of one...(This may take a while...)...For now, I am going to say that it is the "act of lying about being an aficionado of something" (So basically you aficionadocationize all day?). I witnessed this the other day while attending Two Gentlemen of Verona...which, for those who don't know, is a play by William Shakespeare. In the playbill one of the "actors" claimed to be an aficionado at Comedy, Film and Music. WHAT!! You can't claim to be an aficionado at all those things! You have obviously not aficionado'd (Another made up use of the word "aficionado") before. For one thing, it's just too many things to be an "aficionado" at (Who do you think you are, me?), and for two thing...wait a tick, there's an awesome "old style" plane outside, I'm gonna go re-enact the airplane scene from North by Northwest...OK I am back, for two thing I saw his so-called "comedy" and it was definitely NOT the work of an aficionado (I think Scott Erno is more funny than that guy was...); which, then, leads me to believe he isn't that aficionadoable of films or music (Because he sure wasn't at comedy). So don't go around saying your an aficionado at so many things, or anything you aren't...I mean that's like me saying I am an aficionado at bull-fighting, sure it sounds cool, but put it to the test and I'd be gored (Like a pumpkin...? Or a gourd...?).

Russ VanAllen
Aficionado at life (And never having a girlfriend (Shut-up!!))

"Stevil"...

Vanity plates. That little way of telling the world "Hey, I'm pretty cool" (Yet, really telling them "No, no I'm not"). I never understood the appeal of a vanity plate. The last thing I want while driving is to be introduced to somebody, especially via their license plate. That's why Gerald Ford invented cars in the first place (Wrong Ford...actually that whole sentence is way off) so that people would not have to interact with each other while en-route to their destination. We can sit alone in our cars, windows rolled up, air on, and be untethered by every Tom, Dick or Harry (That's rather sexist. What, you can't be bothered by a woman?). Anyway, I've now totally lost my train of thought on this matter...oh, right, vanity plates. I don't care what it is you put on there, it's stupid. It makes you look like a loser, and it makes me want to ram my Chrysler up your tale-pipe (That's rather harsh...but then again, I have not had coffee all day, so....back off!!). So to the man with a license plate that reads "Stevil" to the people who add an "8" in for "ate" (i.e. - K8...hahaha...), I have an idea of where you need to go...

...back to the DMV to get a new license plate, that's where!

Russ VanAllen
I have not had coffee all day...

Curse you pop-ups!!...

It's a bird, it's a plane (No! Stop looking outside)! I'm talking about pop-ups. They're annoying (Ah right to the point. I love a man who's straight forward...wait...no I don't). I mean I can see how it's "brilliant" because it pops up right as I'm about to click something so I inadvertently click on the add and then have to endure it taking me to the website of the advertiser, but it makes me never want to purchase the product being forced upon me (NO I WILL NOT BUY THE NEW CHEVY MALIBU!!). Besides it takes me about 3 hours (Way to not over-exaggerate...) to find the stinkin' "close" button. So to the people responsible for advertising and marketing, STOP AMBUSHING ME! And I may be more inclined to go out and get myself whatever your forcing down my throat (...But probably not).

Russ VanAllen
I'm gonna go buy a Chevy Malibu...

a Tribute to America...

Today is Independence Day. The day we observe the founding of the great country we get to, so freely, live in. I take on a more sentimental tone when talking about this country because of how much I love her and how much I love being an American. This nation is the greatest in the world, and was meant to be that. Our Founding Fathers didn't come here to create a nation that would just exist. They came here and created this nation as a beacon of hope and freedom that would shine out over the world and preserve a wonderful future for their children and their children's children. It's weathered time and wars (Both within and outside her borders), depressions and disasters, coming through strong in her resolve to remain the leader of the free world. We've come a long way, this "one nation under God...". It is not always easy, and many times it is a great struggle, but through that struggle we grow; we push forward in the hard times and when we're knocked down we pick ourselves back up.

When new citizens enter our country they pass by one of the greatest monuments to freedom, the Statue of Liberty. Inside is a plaque with a beautiful poem inscribed on it. The last part of that plaque has become the motto of Lady Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teaming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Beautiful words, and a wonderful reminder that this nation, founded on the principles of a Creator, God, who has blessed all men and women with the right to be free, is open to all people who "yearn" for just that, freedom. So then, here I end and, with the words of Abraham Lincoln, I pray that this great nation "of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."

Russ VanAllen
Have a happy Independence Day

To the lady with no personal boundries...

...stay out of mine!! Just because you feel the need to get all up close and personal with people you don't know (And frankly who don't want to know you) doesn't mean you have to lean across me and have a conversation with somebody. OK, well let me set the scene for you. Here I am enjoying a pleasant evening waiting to be used as a film extra. All us extra folk are sitting in about three different rows of pews, me being in the front row (Naturally, I'm a whore for attention). Suddenly this woman decides that she's going to have a conversation with some other annoying individual in the row behind me. Instead of doing the logical thing and going directly to that person, she feels the need to set herself up in the row in front of me, lean over me and carry on the loudest conversation with this person in the history of conversations (Nobody wants to hear, or even cares, what you're saying!!). I will give her a little credit, even though there was enough room to go and sit by the person on the other end of the conversation, that person had really annoying children with them so I probably wouldn't have gone close to them either (Kids are dumb...)...but in that case, JUST DON'T HAVE THE CONVERSATION! As a warning in the future, any invasion of my personal space will be taken as an act of war and will be dealt with accordingly. That is all.

Russ VanAllen
To the singers who are big in Europe and then come here and feel entitled: This isn't Europe, this is America (Last time I checked) and we don't know who you are, and don't care who you are. Yours truly.

How to succeed in business without really trying...

That's really an easy answer. Casinos! Where else can you go with $100 and leave with $1,000 (Or you could lose your money...but we don't talk about that)? Now, in California it's even easier for people without money to make money at casinos (...), as California will now allow you to cash in your welfare checks at casinos (Because California is only looking out for you and not trying to just overcome a massive budget deficit). You can even cash it in right there at the ATM (How convenient...). It's brilliant. Now poor people have a chance to make a fortune and therefore stop being poor...which will in turn make America more classy (Yeah, that's our problem, we lack class...). Now, don't go and take this blog post out of context saying it's an "Anti-poor" post. I support the poor...I just don't care about them (Classy...). But now, California has given them a chance to redeem themselves. So my message to poor people: take your welfare checks, go to California and hit the casinos! You're life can only improve (...). Where else are you going to get money from? The government? No (Wait, isn't that what welfare is?). This is your chance to make money the legit and American way.

Russ VanAllen
One Classy Brawd

I like my bimbo soft and white...

But not the sort of bimbo you'd find on the street, or working as your secretary (What do you think I am?!). No, this bimbo you can pick up at Meijers, because it's bread (For the other type of bimbo you have to go to Wal-mart). Now the billboard I saw (Which tipped me off to this bread) specifically says "Say Beembo!"...but if you have to clarify exactly how to pronounce your product, you shouldn't be allowed to sell it. I mean that's like making something and calling it "bitch" but saying "Say Betch!" (That was kind of a sucky example...(Yeah, I'm just lazy today)). If you have to clarify just how your product is pronounced it should be illegal. Maybe the Government should focus less on a moratorium on offshore drilling and focus more on a moratorium on confusing product names that need clarification so they aren't misconstrued as inappropriate (That's a lengthy title...).

Russ VanAllen
Avid bread eater.

What's worse than a beaver?...

Just when I thought that the beavers in Canada were all we needed to fear, there's something far worse and far more sinister (I'll keep my build up shorter this time)...Sea Turtles. That's right. Why are they worse, you ask? Because they can use technology (*Gasp*). They've already sent a video message to us, and, as normal, we think it's so "cool" and "cute" that it did this (It's a YouTube hit...or so they say). But don't be fooled, this can only mean one thing. This "video" was a "Terrorist Ultimatum Video" (Or TUV for short), and the sea turtles are obviously planning an attack very soon. One that may dwarf 9-11 (Too soon?). It's disturbing to me that the main stream media is treating this as a joke, and something that's adorable. This is scary stuff (Way to not blow this out of proportion...). They are obviously a technologically advanced species, they live to be...well I don't know, really old though, and they're born armored (How can we compete with that?...). I wouldn't be surprised if the sea turtles are to blame for the oil spill (Uh-oh...). So be careful, and stay out of the water, it's their natural home (...).

Russ VanAllen
Beavers are still evil, though...

This punishment is just flushed up...

We often hear stories of punishments taken to the extreme, but I believe this one takes the cake. It's a repulsive story of student punishment taken too far (If your squeamish, please turn away). Get this, as part of their detention, students at a school in the Bronx were forced to do janitorial duties (*Gasp*). That's right, these poor kids (Who were, obviously, in detention for no reason) were forced to clean toilets. It's absolutely vile (You can't try to better children by making them do stuff. Everybody knows that!). Thank goodness the Department of Education is going to look into this (Because we all know the old ways of detention were actually working. You never saw repeat customers to detention...). They should prosecute the school for this offense (Yeah, because cleaning toilets is like water-boarding...), send the principle to jail (Or maybe water-board her?...). How are the youth of this nation going to learn anything if we're too busy forcing them to be responsible for their actions?

Now, the students did weigh in on the matter, one said "After school the principal came in with the inspector lady and she was like 'Oh, everyone has to pitch in and clean the toilets and stuff.'" (HA!...Sorry, I just imagined him saying that in a high pitched, mock-principle voice...sorry...carry on) "So we was cleaning them and we had to clean around them and nasty, it was just mad nasty" (It's only nasty because you and your nasty self use the toilets), and another had this to say "Like that's not cool, like making kids clean toilets like that's not how that should go" (Maybe they should have like made the kids stay for like an extended English class...). So in the end I wag my finger at the school that would do this and say "shame on you for trying to better our youth!"

Russ VanAllen
Working to keep schools safer...

This whole post was formed around that picture...

For all of you weirdos going through a withdrawal of Apple products since the recent release of the iPad, don't fret. The god of Apple has released to his faithful followers a new iPhone, the iPhone 4 (Which Steve Jobs (who is more self-absorbed than me...oh yeah, I went there) shamelessly bragged about). It will apparently be better than anything else Steve Jobs has decided to create and bestow upon his worshipers (Maybe it will have an app to prompt all Apple owners to go and throw themselves off of a building in the name of Steve Jobs (Whoa, that is incredibly offensive! Besides, I think you, Russ, own an Apple iPod, am I right?) Well, yes, but it's a shuffle so it doesn't really count...besides I stole it from my mother (Touche)). Now you may be sitting back and saying "Wow, Russ, you're a jerk. All Apple owners are not like that." That's ok to say, because your just a crazy Apple fruit in my mind. Even if all Apple owners were normal people, I'd still say the same thing (Because here at Russinize Your Day we could not care less about the facts...facts aren't funny. What I make up, now that's funny).

Russ VanAllen
I care about the facts, not the truth!

For the love of spelling...

Spelling, it's what makes the world go round. Without spelling we'd be barbarians (Yeah, spellings the only thing keeping us above barbarians...). So it's no wonder we televise this event so that the world (Or nobody) can sit down and watch a group of kids (Nerds) rattle off a bunch of letters, that when compiled form words (Spelling!). This years Scribbs National Spelling Bee was won by an Indian-American (Thank you Associated Press for working to overcome racism by dividing people into their respective ethnic groups). Now to win, this girl with a different skin color than my own, and a funny name, had to spell the word "Stromuhr" (Why we have words like "stromuhr," I'll never know). Accomplishing all this while keeping her poker face on (Because in the spelling bee, you never want to tip your hand to your opponents...). So here's to spelling bee winner Anamika Veeramani (See, funny name), get a life.

Russ VanAllen
I'm kwite profishent at spelling

Everybody wants handouts...

I'm really sick of people blaming BP and the Federal Government for the lack of response to the oil spill in the Gulf (I'm sure you're gonna enlighten us, now, on who to blame). I can't help but feel that only one party is really responsible for this mess...(I love just holding that moment of suspense as I keep you on the brink of enlightenment)...and that's the marine wildlife of the gulf. I mean all I've heard is complain, complain, complain from them and their wildlife union, and haven't seen any action from them to stop this mess. I mean they should show some initiative here. Like the forest animals from Snow White. They helped Snow White clean a cottage, for cryin' out loud, and you're telling me these marine animals can't help clean up some oil (Ummm, yes?). I just don't buy itakjldsfadfskj (Sorry, I let typing replace thinking again)..where was I? Right, selfish animals. Animals fight in wars , but they won't even lift a paw to help clean up an oil spill that's going to affect them the most. Instead, they're just sitting back and crying for the government to take care of them. That's just plain selfish, in my book.

Russ VanAllen
Self-proclaimed International Wildlife Expert

I know I rarely think...

I was listening to the radio today and I heard a commercial that made me giddy as a school girl (Ummm...ok?). It was for a program that typed everything you spoke, so that you didn't actually have to type it yourself. Like all infomerciallistic things it really made a point of everything I hate about typing (Like those commercials where the lady tries to crack an egg but she ends up splattering it all over the kitchen). For instance, they brought up how typing replaces thinking (That's really what it said). Finally somebody addresses this! Because it's so much easier to think and speak than it is to think and type (Because so many people think when they speak). I, personally, have a difficult time thinking and typinadgskjadfashsdkjf (Uh-oh, there I go replacing thinking with typing again). That sort of stuff will never happen when you get this software (It's probably one of those software's where you will have to pause every 2 minutes to confirm what you just said confirm what you just said).

Russ VanAllen
Avid pants wearer...but only when absolutely necessary.

Who needs TV or books, we have real life...

It really brightens my heart to see kids putting things they read, in books, to use (Translation: forgetting where books end and reality begins). I have two really great examples (Of kids letting down their generations and family's). First, did you know Quidditch is a real sport now (For those of you who don't know what Quidditch is, rest peacefully in that fact)? Yep, they even have an International Quidditch Association, and 150 colleges and 100 high schools partake in this "sport" (Great...). These "athletes" (Nerds) run around with broomsticks between there legs (They literally have to or anything they do doesn't count). Now, of course broomsticks can't fly (Fingers crossed that someday they will, though), but they do what they can to play the "sport" (Run around looking like retards with broomsticks between their legs? Oh my word, I just summed up the whole Harry Potter series!). My next example is equally as heart warming (??). In a school in Texas awesomely cool kids are dressing as werewolves (Why are there no Werecats? I mean come on, you can sleep all the time, eat, play with a toy ball filled with catnip and then go on a catnip induced ransacking of some towns...werewolves can't do that)...oh, where was I? Right, werewolves in Texas schools. They wear those contacts that make you look like you have demon eyes, they have "fangs" and to top it off they wear tails (They don't even get "nerd," they just go straight to "mentally insane"). They travel in packs of 20, or so, students (They really call themselves packs!). A pack leader from a school, 15 year old Deikitsen "Lupus" Manley (Lupus? Is that his nickname? Come on, really? Go with your last name, it's literally Manley, don't stick with a sickness for a nickname), says (In his infinite, high school wisdom of living for 15 years) "Human wolves have been around a lot longer than characters in Twilight." Straight from the wolfman's mouth (Although on a good note, we can now start up torch wielding wolfman hunting parties to find and get rid of them...that is until a joint ACLU/PETA coalition steps up to stop us. Then we'll have to answer for why we don't have more animals or Persians (look at that, it's a running joke now) in our hunting party).

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: I have never read, and never intend to read, or see Twilight and any of the subsequent Twilight related crap that gets put out. That is all.

Prince of Persia my foot!...

I'm appalled at what I've seen from the film Prince of Persia! I mean, did you know Jake Gyllenhaal isn't even Persian (Ummm...no?). What's up with that? How can somebody who's not Persian play a Persian, it's insulting! And I'm not alone on this, blogger Jehanzeb Dar (Sounds Persian, maybe he should play the part) says that "this part really needed to go to somebody who's Persian. It's not only insulting to Persians (cause this movie is based on actual events), it's also insulting to white people (That's right Jehanzeb, break down those racial barriers by referring to people as their different ethnicity's). It's saying white people (hey, I'm white!) can't enjoy movies unless the protagonist is white (...)." I agree completely, I for one don't judge my movies on whether the lead is white (I love me some Tyler Perry films) and I am shocked that Disney blatantly comes out and makes me feel that way (and apparently Persians and all white people...). So here's my message to Disney: just because Jake Gyllenhaal was the best choice doesn't mean you should choose him (because you should obviously hire people based only on their race).

Russ VanAllen
Russinize Your Day is a Registered Trademark of the Russell VanAllen Corporation, which is an Equal Opportunity Employer and does not discriminate....just no Persians please.

I Google myself everyday...

There is no longer any need to fear using your computer because we now have a cyber warfare general (A 4-star general at that) who will take the battle right to the place the real terrorists are (probably where Osama Bin Laden's been hiding out too), the Internet. They've reassigned some 30,000 troops to the front lines of cyber warfare (because we need that many people sitting around a computer all day...I think there's a "how many military personnel does it take to operate a computer" joke in there somewhere). Naturally there are critics to this who say it's just one more step to the militarization of cyberspace (do they know how computers work? You can't fit guns or people in them...). But, I guess I can see their point. I mean, how long before they begin a draft, and pull all of our little avatars we've created into this hideous war (WILL THE MADNESS NEVER END!!!!!). Or, how long before they tap into people's Sims games and draft the peace loving Sims into this mess (Although, I believe the Sims do have a military career thing, so that might be all right; maybe they can work in cooperation with the Sim government on a joint military effort?...hm...). I can, also, only assume that it won't be long before somebody photo shops a nuclear warhead, attaches it to an e-mail that promises nude actresses when opened, and destroys a city (disgusting...). I can really only see this ending in bloodshed (I'm wondering now if I even know how computers work...)...*Cue heart wrenching patriotic music*

Russ VanAllen
Opposed to a draft of my little Yahoomail! Avatar.

Global Warming? Or, Global - Al Gore needs the cold to survive - Warming...

Why does Al Gore push so hard to fight the supposed Global Warming? Well, there can only be one explanation (He's in cahoots with Toyota?), and that is, Al Gore is an alien. That's right, I know that may be hard to believe because he seems so down to earth (ba-dum tsh), but it's true. Now, you may be saying "hold up Russ, what are you talking about?" (Don't worry, I'm there with you) but it fits. Al Gore wants us to combat Global Warming because he is an alien from outer space who needs the cold to survive (So, it's not just to get us to buy a Prius?). So what a better way than to create a buzz about the globe getting hotter (Tssssssssss...) so that everyone will work to make things cooler (Um...not Tsssssssss...) thus allowing for Al Gore to live on to bring joy to our hearts (....). But, I have a message for Mr. Gore: watch your back Al (Or I'll drive a Prius into it (What?) What? (What does that even mean?) I don't know, I was just trying to, ya know, tough talk him a little (No, no, that's enough from you, it's past your bedtime) fine...)

Russ VanAllen
Thanks to Ronald, our sound effects guy for adding the sounds for "hotter" and "cooler"

BEER!!!!!!!!!

When politics is just one big, dirty mess, things don't look too bright (not to mention those in politics). But, that is changing, my dear readers. While all eyes were on Tuesday's primaries, and one special election, the House was doing their job; and boy did they do it (the suspense is killing you, I know...but relax, I need time to build up so I can make myself feel relevant) passing HR 1297 (whatever that means) which supports: "the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week." My friends (I'm a maverick), I think this is fantastic (our Representatives can finally be open about their alcohol problem). Kudos to Representative Betsy Markey, who sponsored this bill (if she hadn't I know for a fact Pelosi would have), and obviously loves her beer and all that goes with it. Just by reading her speak I know this bill is good for our country, and for America. When talking about it ("it" being beer) she said "You can't just have one" (I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives) "it really depends on what mood you're in. Sometimes I like a light beer - I might want a skinny dip (I'm scared to ask what that is) - or otherwise prefer a heavier brew." This is the reason we elect politicians, they know what they're doing (....). Why would anybody want to vote against this? Well, Sparkey (Oops, Markey....my bad....) doesn't think anybody would, saying "It does seem like a no brainer" (Actually, I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives....). So here's to all the Reps who passed this earth shaking legislation, pour yourself a tall one, Markey and Pelosi grab a skinny dip (AH!! I should not have said that...the imagery...)...cheers...

Russ VanAllen
I wonder if anybody got the maverick joke...hm...oh well.

....

It's a little known fact, but I like to talk about myself (just go with it).  Yet, there is somebody who likes to discuss their self more than I could ever hope, and that's Tyra Banks.  Ms. Banks is now working on publishing a fantasy novel (her autobiography?) for young people (as opposed to young non-people, which I hear is a tough market to get).  That's right, Tyra is working to publish her book, which is, according to the egotistical, super-barbie "called 'Modelland' pronounced 'Model land' (because apparently us lower humans are too dumb to figure that out) that takes you to a fantastical place you've never seen, nor heard about, or read about before (for a reason)...where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye (sounds like you should get that checked out)."  Tyra also says that "Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart" (Once again, auto-biography anyone?).  Like all "good" book series there will, at least, be three (Please no).  So watch out Harry Potter and Twilight and...whatever other dumb book kids read...Modelland is coming, and...it's a book.

Russ VanAllen

I'm pretty awesome

Life's a mother...

Mothers, the reason we are alive (of course fathers too...but this isn't that type of blog). Today is Mother's Day. A day dedicated to our mothers. My family gets together with my mothers side (which is...quite a treat?) on this day and has some quality family time. It's one of those holidays that actually makes sense to me (yeah, not like that valentines day, I mean come on...but that's a whole other post). Our mothers inspire us, they train us, they rear us, they guide us (they beat us) and encourage us (unless, of course, your mother really does beat you...then this is awkward...). So it's great that we are able to take this day and give back to the women who give so much to and for us. So mom, sit back, relax (do some laundry...and maybe the dishes) and enjoy your day.

So from the soccer mom who drives like a drunken bat out of hell, to those boasting about their honor student at some gifted school, mother's are the reason we are where we are (and why some of us have drinking problems); so on this mother lovin' day, I would like to give a hearty salute to the women who released us from their loins.

Russ VanAllen

I love my mother.

Nice beaver...

With terrorists all over the place and wars starting here and there, the question arises as to whether or not we're on the right track to catching those that wish to destroy America and democracy. Well I say no. Why do I say no, you ask? Because we have overlooked one major enemy that is camped right on our doorstep, operating out of a facility so large it can be seen from space, that's right, you can see the dam thing from space! How we haven't taken notice of them before I don't know, and some sources say they've been operating at this facility since the 1970's. Where is this located, you inquire? In Canada, but the threat isn't the occupants of the useless country, it's the beavers building a massive dam in Wood Buffalo National Park (Wood Buffalo?). These beavers are deadly eco-terrorists (I really have no clue what that means), I mean come on, they chop down trees to build stuff (and make paper)! Which leads me to what I believe is their ultimate plot. Without trees we won't have shade to lay under, on those hot summer days, and we will all be badly sunburned. (Here's where is gets graphic) That's when the attack will begin, they will invade every city and slap our sunburned selves with their massive tails!! It's something you could only hope not to see in a movie with Eddie Murphy or that guy from "The Mummy". So take it from me, the greatest threat to America and democracy is Canada...I mean beavers...



Russ VanAllen
Conspiratative Theorizer

Don't tase me, bro!

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who actually uses common sense (which would be sad for the world if that were true), but alas, not even I use common sense (I use an alternative known simply as RussSense), anyway, I digress. I thought I would take you all back to the School of Russ VanAllen for a little lesson I like to call Tasers: How to avoid them. This is a simple one, don't do stupid stuff. Now, I know that running on a field during a baseball game is just simply one of the greatest forms of comedy for some people and their moron friends (who I'm sure have an IQ the same as that of a dead rabbit), but it's not funny...although it is to see them get tased (why isn't that spelled with a "z"? We say it like it has a "z" in it...I think I'm gonna spell it with a "z" from now on...I would change it in the previous spellings, but that would make this little side track rather obsolete). Now I'm a strong opponent to violence, but I'd have to say given the choices, tazers are a nice alternative to anything else. I think the police should release some advertising (wait...we say advertising like it has a "z" in it, but spell it with an "s"...what the heck!!) saying "mouth off and get a free tazing"...(probably shouldn't say free, because my Dutch side would kick in and I'd mouth off just to get the FREE tazing), but something like "we're the police, b****, mouth off and get tazed" (self-censorship, gotta love it!) I think that would send the message loud and clear to the arrogant twits who think they're above the law.

Russ VanAllen and the School of Russ VanAllen: Working to make society better

I blame Scott...

There is an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico (in case you didn't know). Now of course, somebody has to be blamed, because that's, apparently, how life works. Of course BP is one of those on the "blame list" (I have a "blame list"...you may be on it...but don't worry, I always blame Scott Erno (who is #1 on my list)...ooh, I did a parenthesis in a parenthesis, risque) since they operated the rig, but now, the federal agency charged with the regulation of such stuff is being blamed for understating the impact the oil spill will have on the delicate ecosystem...understating the impact of an oil spill? That's what there mad about? Maybe those who are blaming should just read the news or listen to what the Coast Guard has been saying, because I have and I have rather an acute sense of the terrible impact this mess will cause. It's an oil spill for goodness sakes! Why do you need somebody to tell you how bad it will be (I wonder how many of our tax dollars went into finding how bad an oil spill will be?)...IT'S AN OIL SPILL! I mean, do people really listen to themselves (I know I don't). But, I shouldn't be too hard on them, I mean after all, I would also want to blame somebody else if I were too dumb to figure out how devastating an oil spill would be...and we all know who I would blame.

Russ VanAllen
(Finally a picture! Made by my friend Kimmy!)

Sorry, it's just a habit...

Apparently habits can age you by 12 years...is that why nuns look so old? No, no, I jest, but seriously according to a new "study" 4 common habits can age you by 12 years, what are these habits? Well drinking too much, inactivity, poor diet and smoking (of course they always target smoking). Why does everybody say smoking is bad for you? I just don't buy it (I don't smoke, myself), I just haven't seen any real proof. If you think about it all the old entertainers used to smoke and they didn't die from it (they only died from lung, throat or mouth cancer). Even Bill Clinton used to smoke (although he never inhaled) and he's still around (insert your own feelings on that). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning smoking here, I'm just not, not condoning it. If I were condoning it, it would be wrong for me to not, not say it were the right thing to do if I were to not condone it if it were right...wait, what? So I guess in closing...don't smoke?...or you'll look like a nun.



Russ VanAllen

To the owner of a tan mid-sized sedan, your lights are on...

It's lesson time today. Here at the school of Russ VanAllen we feel it proper to educate people on life, and how it really works. Our lesson today is going to cover how to drive on the highway, since I've come to realize people apparently don't know how to. The topic of this lesson is "Lanes: How to use them." Part I: When there are three lanes...this is actually quite simple the right is for slow people, the middle for us who drive the speed limit and the left is when the slow people come into the normal lane. Now, for the people out there who think that just because the left lane has nobody in it they can cruise in it, I hate to burst your bubble (ok not really, but...) it's because it's not meant to be cruised in. I know you may find this hard to believe as you apparently think that everybody has decided to stay out of that lane so you personally can use it, but that's not the case, we are all just smarter than you and know what it's there for. THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU! Who do you think you are?...Me?...In your dreams! So stop living in your fantasy world and use the correct lane, or so help me I will...oh, I forgot Part II: When there are two lanes, same as when there are three just cut out the slow people.

Russ VanAllen, making the world a better place.

Please Stop

Yesterday evening I was at the "premier" of a short film I was the star of...(ok that's a bit exaggerated), but I was in it...anyway, it got me thinking about the films coming out this summer...ok it really didn't but I needed a nice intro about me. But I have been thinking (scary) about the films that will be released to the theatres this summer. Namely the fourth installment of the Shrek trilogy. Now, from the trailers I've seen of this I have to ask, why? Why, Dreamworks, would you beat the poor Shrek franchise into the ground? The first was the best and the second was quite good. So why did you have to go to three and four? I mean I expect this sort of behaviour from Disney, but not from you. Let's take a look at the fourth Shrek film, shall we?

Shrek signs over the deed to the kingdom, for a day, to some creepy midget, who then proceeds to try and grab total control of the kingdom in that amount of time. But, apparently, said creepy midget can only keep it if he can keep Shrek and Fiona from kissing at midnight. So in short, Shrek must save the kingdom, from an egotistical, short, evil guy, with a kiss at midnight with Fiona. Isn't that the plot of the first one? Why not make it so Shrek must save Fiona from Prince Charming and his evil fairy mother...oh wait, no that's the second one...ok here's a keeper, why not Shrek, who doesn't want to be king, go to find the next heir to the throne, an annoying little twit...oh wait, no that's the third one, ok here's an idea, just end the agony of watching Shrek come back to the screen time, after time, after time, after time again. So help me, Dreamworks, if you release How to Train your Dragon 2!!

The Final Frontier

The military has launched an unmanned "Space plane" on a "top secret" mission. Shouldn't the launch be the "top secret" part? I mean what else are they going to keep a secret, there destination? They're going to space, or if it's like all the other space "missions," the moon! Experts speculate that it's to test maneuvering and weapons. Okay, well, that cat's out of the bag. People are already throwing up the "red flag" about the weaponization of space. I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here, let's remember our greatest achievement to date is putting a man on the moon (and the funding cuts to NASA), and remember this is an unmanned flight. How are we supposed to make "grand steps" with robots? Haven't they watched movies? Technology always turns on humankind. So why create an armed, robot spaceship?...(I think I'm getting ahead of myself now)...ok, back on track, let's get some men past the moon and landing on another planet (they can do it movies!), besides the moon is old news, I can see it from my house (like Sarah Palin can see Russia from hers...I wonder if she can see the moon too...hm). I must say though, on a good note, the military is in charge of this operation, not NASA, so chances of a Death Star are much better.

Russ VanAllen