Thursday, June 24, 2010

How to succeed in business without really trying...

That's really an easy answer. Casinos! Where else can you go with $100 and leave with $1,000 (Or you could lose your money...but we don't talk about that)? Now, in California it's even easier for people without money to make money at casinos (...), as California will now allow you to cash in your welfare checks at casinos (Because California is only looking out for you and not trying to just overcome a massive budget deficit). You can even cash it in right there at the ATM (How convenient...). It's brilliant. Now poor people have a chance to make a fortune and therefore stop being poor...which will in turn make America more classy (Yeah, that's our problem, we lack class...). Now, don't go and take this blog post out of context saying it's an "Anti-poor" post. I support the poor...I just don't care about them (Classy...). But now, California has given them a chance to redeem themselves. So my message to poor people: take your welfare checks, go to California and hit the casinos! You're life can only improve (...). Where else are you going to get money from? The government? No (Wait, isn't that what welfare is?). This is your chance to make money the legit and American way.

Russ VanAllen
One Classy Brawd

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I like my bimbo soft and white...

But not the sort of bimbo you'd find on the street, or working as your secretary (What do you think I am?!). No, this bimbo you can pick up at Meijers, because it's bread (For the other type of bimbo you have to go to Wal-mart). Now the billboard I saw (Which tipped me off to this bread) specifically says "Say Beembo!"...but if you have to clarify exactly how to pronounce your product, you shouldn't be allowed to sell it. I mean that's like making something and calling it "bitch" but saying "Say Betch!" (That was kind of a sucky example...(Yeah, I'm just lazy today)). If you have to clarify just how your product is pronounced it should be illegal. Maybe the Government should focus less on a moratorium on offshore drilling and focus more on a moratorium on confusing product names that need clarification so they aren't misconstrued as inappropriate (That's a lengthy title...).

Russ VanAllen
Avid bread eater.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

What's worse than a beaver?...

Just when I thought that the beavers in Canada were all we needed to fear, there's something far worse and far more sinister (I'll keep my build up shorter this time)...Sea Turtles. That's right. Why are they worse, you ask? Because they can use technology (*Gasp*). They've already sent a video message to us, and, as normal, we think it's so "cool" and "cute" that it did this (It's a YouTube hit...or so they say). But don't be fooled, this can only mean one thing. This "video" was a "Terrorist Ultimatum Video" (Or TUV for short), and the sea turtles are obviously planning an attack very soon. One that may dwarf 9-11 (Too soon?). It's disturbing to me that the main stream media is treating this as a joke, and something that's adorable. This is scary stuff (Way to not blow this out of proportion...). They are obviously a technologically advanced species, they live to be...well I don't know, really old though, and they're born armored (How can we compete with that?...). I wouldn't be surprised if the sea turtles are to blame for the oil spill (Uh-oh...). So be careful, and stay out of the water, it's their natural home (...).

Russ VanAllen
Beavers are still evil, though...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

This punishment is just flushed up...

We often hear stories of punishments taken to the extreme, but I believe this one takes the cake. It's a repulsive story of student punishment taken too far (If your squeamish, please turn away). Get this, as part of their detention, students at a school in the Bronx were forced to do janitorial duties (*Gasp*). That's right, these poor kids (Who were, obviously, in detention for no reason) were forced to clean toilets. It's absolutely vile (You can't try to better children by making them do stuff. Everybody knows that!). Thank goodness the Department of Education is going to look into this (Because we all know the old ways of detention were actually working. You never saw repeat customers to detention...). They should prosecute the school for this offense (Yeah, because cleaning toilets is like water-boarding...), send the principle to jail (Or maybe water-board her?...). How are the youth of this nation going to learn anything if we're too busy forcing them to be responsible for their actions?

Now, the students did weigh in on the matter, one said "After school the principal came in with the inspector lady and she was like 'Oh, everyone has to pitch in and clean the toilets and stuff.'" (HA!...Sorry, I just imagined him saying that in a high pitched, mock-principle voice...sorry...carry on) "So we was cleaning them and we had to clean around them and nasty, it was just mad nasty" (It's only nasty because you and your nasty self use the toilets), and another had this to say "Like that's not cool, like making kids clean toilets like that's not how that should go" (Maybe they should have like made the kids stay for like an extended English class...). So in the end I wag my finger at the school that would do this and say "shame on you for trying to better our youth!"

Russ VanAllen
Working to keep schools safer...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This whole post was formed around that picture...

For all of you weirdos going through a withdrawal of Apple products since the recent release of the iPad, don't fret. The god of Apple has released to his faithful followers a new iPhone, the iPhone 4 (Which Steve Jobs (who is more self-absorbed than me...oh yeah, I went there) shamelessly bragged about). It will apparently be better than anything else Steve Jobs has decided to create and bestow upon his worshipers (Maybe it will have an app to prompt all Apple owners to go and throw themselves off of a building in the name of Steve Jobs (Whoa, that is incredibly offensive! Besides, I think you, Russ, own an Apple iPod, am I right?) Well, yes, but it's a shuffle so it doesn't really count...besides I stole it from my mother (Touche)). Now you may be sitting back and saying "Wow, Russ, you're a jerk. All Apple owners are not like that." That's ok to say, because your just a crazy Apple fruit in my mind. Even if all Apple owners were normal people, I'd still say the same thing (Because here at Russinize Your Day we could not care less about the facts...facts aren't funny. What I make up, now that's funny).

Russ VanAllen
I care about the facts, not the truth!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

For the love of spelling...

Spelling, it's what makes the world go round. Without spelling we'd be barbarians (Yeah, spellings the only thing keeping us above barbarians...). So it's no wonder we televise this event so that the world (Or nobody) can sit down and watch a group of kids (Nerds) rattle off a bunch of letters, that when compiled form words (Spelling!). This years Scribbs National Spelling Bee was won by an Indian-American (Thank you Associated Press for working to overcome racism by dividing people into their respective ethnic groups). Now to win, this girl with a different skin color than my own, and a funny name, had to spell the word "Stromuhr" (Why we have words like "stromuhr," I'll never know). Accomplishing all this while keeping her poker face on (Because in the spelling bee, you never want to tip your hand to your opponents...). So here's to spelling bee winner Anamika Veeramani (See, funny name), get a life.

Russ VanAllen
I'm kwite profishent at spelling

Friday, June 4, 2010

Everybody wants handouts...

I'm really sick of people blaming BP and the Federal Government for the lack of response to the oil spill in the Gulf (I'm sure you're gonna enlighten us, now, on who to blame). I can't help but feel that only one party is really responsible for this mess...(I love just holding that moment of suspense as I keep you on the brink of enlightenment)...and that's the marine wildlife of the gulf. I mean all I've heard is complain, complain, complain from them and their wildlife union, and haven't seen any action from them to stop this mess. I mean they should show some initiative here. Like the forest animals from Snow White. They helped Snow White clean a cottage, for cryin' out loud, and you're telling me these marine animals can't help clean up some oil (Ummm, yes?). I just don't buy itakjldsfadfskj (Sorry, I let typing replace thinking again)..where was I? Right, selfish animals. Animals fight in wars , but they won't even lift a paw to help clean up an oil spill that's going to affect them the most. Instead, they're just sitting back and crying for the government to take care of them. That's just plain selfish, in my book.

Russ VanAllen
Self-proclaimed International Wildlife Expert

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I know I rarely think...

I was listening to the radio today and I heard a commercial that made me giddy as a school girl (Ummm...ok?). It was for a program that typed everything you spoke, so that you didn't actually have to type it yourself. Like all infomerciallistic things it really made a point of everything I hate about typing (Like those commercials where the lady tries to crack an egg but she ends up splattering it all over the kitchen). For instance, they brought up how typing replaces thinking (That's really what it said). Finally somebody addresses this! Because it's so much easier to think and speak than it is to think and type (Because so many people think when they speak). I, personally, have a difficult time thinking and typinadgskjadfashsdkjf (Uh-oh, there I go replacing thinking with typing again). That sort of stuff will never happen when you get this software (It's probably one of those software's where you will have to pause every 2 minutes to confirm what you just said confirm what you just said).

Russ VanAllen
Avid pants wearer...but only when absolutely necessary.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Who needs TV or books, we have real life...

It really brightens my heart to see kids putting things they read, in books, to use (Translation: forgetting where books end and reality begins). I have two really great examples (Of kids letting down their generations and family's). First, did you know Quidditch is a real sport now (For those of you who don't know what Quidditch is, rest peacefully in that fact)? Yep, they even have an International Quidditch Association, and 150 colleges and 100 high schools partake in this "sport" (Great...). These "athletes" (Nerds) run around with broomsticks between there legs (They literally have to or anything they do doesn't count). Now, of course broomsticks can't fly (Fingers crossed that someday they will, though), but they do what they can to play the "sport" (Run around looking like retards with broomsticks between their legs? Oh my word, I just summed up the whole Harry Potter series!). My next example is equally as heart warming (??). In a school in Texas awesomely cool kids are dressing as werewolves (Why are there no Werecats? I mean come on, you can sleep all the time, eat, play with a toy ball filled with catnip and then go on a catnip induced ransacking of some towns...werewolves can't do that)...oh, where was I? Right, werewolves in Texas schools. They wear those contacts that make you look like you have demon eyes, they have "fangs" and to top it off they wear tails (They don't even get "nerd," they just go straight to "mentally insane"). They travel in packs of 20, or so, students (They really call themselves packs!). A pack leader from a school, 15 year old Deikitsen "Lupus" Manley (Lupus? Is that his nickname? Come on, really? Go with your last name, it's literally Manley, don't stick with a sickness for a nickname), says (In his infinite, high school wisdom of living for 15 years) "Human wolves have been around a lot longer than characters in Twilight." Straight from the wolfman's mouth (Although on a good note, we can now start up torch wielding wolfman hunting parties to find and get rid of them...that is until a joint ACLU/PETA coalition steps up to stop us. Then we'll have to answer for why we don't have more animals or Persians (look at that, it's a running joke now) in our hunting party).

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: I have never read, and never intend to read, or see Twilight and any of the subsequent Twilight related crap that gets put out. That is all.