Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's just that kind of day...

Facebook is always an interesting tool to cruise and see what sorts of things people "like". Some are just crazy (Like most people who use facebook...and yes, that does include me)...give me a sec, I'm laughing...I'm listening to the soundtrack of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and it's hilarious!...OK, I'm ready to focus...somewhat (I'm no miracle worker)....One thing that someone "liked" was titled "Saying 'I love you' without really meaning it should be illegal". Should that be illegal, or should you believing them be illegal? I mean come on, if I meant it all the times that I told some young lady "I love you" I would be in real trouble (Ha! Yeah, right...you really expect people to believe that? (Hey! I can be suave and debonair if I want...)...OK...)...anyway, get over it, try not to make that mistake again (Even though we all know that you will) and get off facebook for a while (Maybe see a psycho-analyst, I can recommend a few...).

Russ VanAllen
Always here to help...unless it includes me actually doing something...

Boldly going...or not...

I like to think of myself as a pioneer. Someone who's intelligence is so brilliant that it paves the way for future generations (Ummm...OK?). I'm sure you all agree (If you don't...well, it's my blog...so there...). That being said, I have to ask myself why I'm reading news reports about us finding planets in distant places that are very close to the eco-balance of that of our own, sweet earth. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well...how should I put this? We can't even get a man past the moon, or, frankly, even back to the moon (Although we do have one wicked space station...that we share with other nations.). Why are we out looking for other planets when we have no way, and at this current rate of progression, will never have a way to get to it? You'd think that even a rocket scientist would see this small hiccup... Now I'm not an expert in the ways of space and travel and new planets and the solar system and NASA (National Association of Stupid *Censored*), but I am an expert at life and that entitles me to comment on anything and everything I want. So, lets do something productive; wait 'til the Chinese and the Russians are in the International Space Station (Because I'm sure enough of them spend a bunch of time up there...), blow it up and then work on getting space traveling capabilities (Which we will need when China and Russia retaliate...). See, we just need a little motivation (Mmhmm...).

Russ VanAllen
Helping to ease tensions between America and it's "allies".

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Hello, I'm Russ VanAllen (As if you didn't know). I'm always one of those "look for the good in people" type of person (Yeah...not really.), but I'm always shocked that the majority of lives in this world are incapable of doing even the most minute and simplest of things. To explain, I'm going to force all my readers into the Russ VanAllen School of Driving (We'll talk about the fee after...). Today's lesson will be an emphasis on turns and how to execute them correctly and is entitled...Turns, and how to execute them correctly...Part 1 (Ahem...). In this first part we will be discussing how to let people know you are turning. I know this seems like a novel concept. I mean, you'd think they'd install something on your car that would allow you to do this so you don't just suddenly slow down and impede those behind you...well, they do (Shocker...). It's called a blinker, or sometimes even a turn signal. Located to the left of the steering column (At least in America, I don't know about England, or even Canada for that matter...do Mounties have blinkers on their horses?), the blinker can signal vehicles behind you, letting them know "Hey I'm turning". Now, you may be asking "Are these a new thing?" Well, surprisingly no, they've been around for a while. So, you know...USE THEM!!! It's called common courtesy people (I never thought I would see the day when I am the only person alive who understands common courtesy...what is going on!)!

Russ VanAllen
Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2...I know, I got lazy...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Everytime you wear pants, you're hurting America...

Fear-mongers everywhere keep trying to blame the Federal Government for the state of our economy (Ridiculous!...). But I finally found an article (Or at the least the picture for an article) that actually tells the truth about who, or what, is to blame (I didn't actually read the article...that would have involved me doing work...). According to this article's picture, pockets are to blame for the state of our economy! That's right! Those little storage places on your pants (and occasionally shirts) are the reason our economy is the way it is. Now, I know what you're thinking "How is that possible, Russ? You're just a crazy-monger.". Where as most of that is true, my haphazard theories have never let me down before...that often. When you get money from the bank, you put it in your pocket (Instead of leaving it in the government run bank for the Federal Government to have access to it, which is what fuels the economy). Then, you forget about it and your clothes go through the wash. After 5 weeks you finally get around to wearing those pants again. You reach into your pocket, and what do you find? Nothing. Come to find out your wife found it while doing the laundry and she went out and bought a new dress (Or whatever women buy at stores). Way to go, my friend, your pockets just funded Capitalism (Which as we know from Michael Moore movies is evil and ruining our economy). So your pockets just funded the ruinization of our economy. How do you feel now? (I can't believe I was actually able to wrap that up! Man I'm good!!)

Russ VanAllen
Your day has just been Russinized!!
Disclaimer: Russ VanAllen, Russinize Your Day, the Russ VanAllen Corporation, and all subsidiary companies, are not liable for any mental trauma, delusions of grandeur, repetitive name dropping, the contraction of mad cow disease, conspiracy theories, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or voices in your head that may result from the Russinization of your day. Thank you.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Nobody cares...

I am listening to the radio (The Glenn Beck Program...3rd most listened to radio show in the U.S. (Uh-oh, shameless Conservative radio show plug!)) when I heard a commercial on the station that got me very concerned. It was about a Dentist (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...that's not even that funny...). Now, this Dentist couldn't get patients (Do Dentists have patients? I'm not brushed up on my Doctor/Dentist lingo...) because there was a review on the Internet about his practice (Is it called a practice for a Dentist? Again, I just don't know...) and it was from a disgruntled patient...ya know what, I'm just going to call all Dentist "patients" victims, because we all know that's what they really are...so this victim was upset and so they gave him a bad review and that kept the Dentist from getting more victims (Puts a whole new spin on it...). Then the very convincingly serious narrator made the point that sums up the whole commercial, he said:

"The Internet does not call you for your side of the story."

And that brings me to my point (I don't get that saying, my point? I don't own a point, I don't have one on my body (nor do I have one in general)...well unless they mean my elbows...OK, that could work...)...So, that brings me to my elbows. Why doesn't the Internet call to get our side of the story? Instead it completely takes a one sided stance against good people trying to make a living (And Dentists...hehehe). And that's rude! Why we keep using this inconsiderate tool known as the Internet who won't even call to get our side of the story, I'll never know! If it doesn't have the decency to call me and ask what I think, I will stop using it!!...but then I wouldn't have this blog...(Hmmmm...)...Well, I guess the Dentist is just gonna have to deal with it and stop messing up!

Russ VanAllen
I blog because I care...I guess

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I feel it too...

I have a simple motto in life...I can't remember it, but it's pretty good (It's the mad cow...). But it's a shame that not everybody can be as awesome at life as I am. I mean, I'm fantastic. This point is made oh so clear in the play I'm currently "in". In this play I simply play a member of a jury. That's it! Me and 7 other guys (10 altogether, but 2 of them actually have a part) just sit on stage. It's basically jury duty where we show up with our decision already made (Ya know, how jury duty should be...). Yet, it amazes me that I am the ONLY person who can actually pull this off! I am the ONLY one (Well, there may be one other, but who cares, right?) who can sit there and keep my trap shut and not make gestures. Example time! At certain points in the script the "audience" in the courtroom will make some ruckus, and the guy sitting next to me will actually point and start saying (Quite loudly, mind you) "Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub". WHAT!!!!! Even if that was a remotely good trick to use when in need of a bunch of talking, it works best when more people than just you say it!!! Example 2. The courtroom "audience" will have moments of outbursts and occasional laughter and some men on the jury will mirror them. NO!! You're not supposed to do that you dunces (I think that's the first time I've ever typed the word "dunces"...)!! I know you all want to get noticed, but it makes you look stupid (Really stupid). Besides I'm good with just sitting there, I look fantastic. I mean, I'm in a suit and I look good...I mean I'm hot (On fire!!).

Russ VanAllen
I'm so wired this morning, I've had about 50 cups of coffee...

Monday, August 2, 2010

"Maybe I'll slip it in her brownie"...

*Takes deep breath* Ah, this is my favorite season of them all, political season (That sweet smell of lies and deceit hanging in the air, well, there's just nothing like it...). I wanted to take this time, away from all the criticism of our dear Congress, to look at something they have done that is for our betterment (I know, it's a rather novel idea...), even though a recent bill they just passed will certainly affect my blog by completely eliminating my entire fan base (All 5 people?...(We are NOT starting this again!)). How, you ask? Because it targets pot brownies (See what I did there? I just insinuated my entire "fan" base are druggies...it'll be just my luck that it turns out to be true...). That's right, ongress...WHAT!! My computer doesn't want to type "C", I have to pound the poor key for it to actually type! What is going on!!!!!...anyway, Congress has passed the "Saving Kids from Dangerous Drugs Act of 2009" (Wow...no wonder the Democrats don't read the bills, I'm exhausted just reading the title...), making the kitchens much, much safer for our youth.

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: Neither Russ VanAllen nor the Russ VanAllen Corporation, or any subsidiary company therein, condone the use of illegal drugs of any sort (Except Mary Jane, but that's just because we're not sure what it is...).