Monday, July 25, 2011

Road Signs...

The title says it all...well mostly all.  I'm not here to rail against road signs, but I am here to point out the stupid uses people use them for (clever wording Shakespeare).  On my way home the other day I came to rest at a four-way stop.  I glanced up at the sign and noticed somebody had cleverly (*sarcasm alert*) written "following" case you're a little tired or just having an off day the sign now read "Stop Following" (Oh, I get it!).  So there I sat in my car laughing hysterically (*sarcasm alert*) at some little clever fella or fella-ette's "artwork".  Of course, it's not just limited to the various routes I take, you can see signs all over that people have artized (Take that Merriam-Webster!).  In fact after I'm done typing I'm gonna Google "funny signs" to add some nice pictures to keep you all entertained (Thank you, I was starting to doze off).

Now, you must be thinking "Russ, why do you hate creativity?" (Hm, I think you may be putting words into people's mouths, but for the sake of comedy, carry on)  Well, aside from the fact that it's dumb (Says you!) the last thing people need at a four-way stop is one more thing distracting them from how a four-way stop actually works...which people, apparently, cannot grasp (You pull up and don't exactly stop but sort of just roll through along with the person crossing where you both stop and wave each other across to be polite but neither will go because they're busy trying to be the better person.  Meanwhile a line is backing up and people are honking and flipping each other off and there is complete chaos...that's how it works right?).  It's not rocket science!!  So stop it (You tell 'em chief!)!

Russ VanAllen
#1 Uhzbekistan Times Best-selling blogger.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Yes I'm still here...Sorry to frighten you.

Hello everybody.  I'm still here and ready to get back into the blogosphere with the #1 New York Times Bestselling blog (I don't think such a category even exists...).  I know that you all have been feeling down and out since I've gone on hiatus.  That feeling is, of course, the affects (I hope I used the correct spelling otherwise all those grammar Nazi's are gonna have a field day) of the Russinization process wearing off.  My apologies to you for taking so long to keep your life interesting and flavorful.  I was considering doing a video blog, due to a certain unnamed person starting one and getting rave reviews for it...not that I'm jealous! (Sure, sure Russ (Shut-up inner-dialogue!!) Oh great, are we really going back to parenthesis within parenthesis format when you argue with yourself, arguing with yourself?) but the fact is that I have thus put off doing a video blog because people have always said I have a "face for radio".  It turns out that when somebody says that to you it is not a compliment (*gasp* Really?), so I'll do what I do best and that is entertain the masses (I don't think 12 followers constitutes a mass...but hang in there chief!) through cleverly worded humor (If you call this cleverly worded humor then I'm...(So help me if you interrupt me one more time!))...

Russ VanAllen
Author of over 1 New York Times Bestselling blogs and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work forging peace with humor (Hey, if Obama can win one, so can...well anybody really...).