Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Sorry, it's just a habit...

Apparently habits can age you by 12 that why nuns look so old? No, no, I jest, but seriously according to a new "study" 4 common habits can age you by 12 years, what are these habits? Well drinking too much, inactivity, poor diet and smoking (of course they always target smoking). Why does everybody say smoking is bad for you? I just don't buy it (I don't smoke, myself), I just haven't seen any real proof. If you think about it all the old entertainers used to smoke and they didn't die from it (they only died from lung, throat or mouth cancer). Even Bill Clinton used to smoke (although he never inhaled) and he's still around (insert your own feelings on that). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning smoking here, I'm just not, not condoning it. If I were condoning it, it would be wrong for me to not, not say it were the right thing to do if I were to not condone it if it were right...wait, what? So I guess in closing...don't smoke?...or you'll look like a nun.

Russ VanAllen

Monday, April 26, 2010

To the owner of a tan mid-sized sedan, your lights are on...

It's lesson time today. Here at the school of Russ VanAllen we feel it proper to educate people on life, and how it really works. Our lesson today is going to cover how to drive on the highway, since I've come to realize people apparently don't know how to. The topic of this lesson is "Lanes: How to use them." Part I: When there are three lanes...this is actually quite simple the right is for slow people, the middle for us who drive the speed limit and the left is when the slow people come into the normal lane. Now, for the people out there who think that just because the left lane has nobody in it they can cruise in it, I hate to burst your bubble (ok not really, but...) it's because it's not meant to be cruised in. I know you may find this hard to believe as you apparently think that everybody has decided to stay out of that lane so you personally can use it, but that's not the case, we are all just smarter than you and know what it's there for. THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU! Who do you think you are?...Me?...In your dreams! So stop living in your fantasy world and use the correct lane, or so help me I will...oh, I forgot Part II: When there are two lanes, same as when there are three just cut out the slow people.

Russ VanAllen, making the world a better place.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Please Stop

Yesterday evening I was at the "premier" of a short film I was the star of...(ok that's a bit exaggerated), but I was in it...anyway, it got me thinking about the films coming out this summer...ok it really didn't but I needed a nice intro about me. But I have been thinking (scary) about the films that will be released to the theatres this summer. Namely the fourth installment of the Shrek trilogy. Now, from the trailers I've seen of this I have to ask, why? Why, Dreamworks, would you beat the poor Shrek franchise into the ground? The first was the best and the second was quite good. So why did you have to go to three and four? I mean I expect this sort of behaviour from Disney, but not from you. Let's take a look at the fourth Shrek film, shall we?

Shrek signs over the deed to the kingdom, for a day, to some creepy midget, who then proceeds to try and grab total control of the kingdom in that amount of time. But, apparently, said creepy midget can only keep it if he can keep Shrek and Fiona from kissing at midnight. So in short, Shrek must save the kingdom, from an egotistical, short, evil guy, with a kiss at midnight with Fiona. Isn't that the plot of the first one? Why not make it so Shrek must save Fiona from Prince Charming and his evil fairy mother...oh wait, no that's the second one...ok here's a keeper, why not Shrek, who doesn't want to be king, go to find the next heir to the throne, an annoying little twit...oh wait, no that's the third one, ok here's an idea, just end the agony of watching Shrek come back to the screen time, after time, after time, after time again. So help me, Dreamworks, if you release How to Train your Dragon 2!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Final Frontier

The military has launched an unmanned "Space plane" on a "top secret" mission. Shouldn't the launch be the "top secret" part? I mean what else are they going to keep a secret, there destination? They're going to space, or if it's like all the other space "missions," the moon! Experts speculate that it's to test maneuvering and weapons. Okay, well, that cat's out of the bag. People are already throwing up the "red flag" about the weaponization of space. I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here, let's remember our greatest achievement to date is putting a man on the moon (and the funding cuts to NASA), and remember this is an unmanned flight. How are we supposed to make "grand steps" with robots? Haven't they watched movies? Technology always turns on humankind. So why create an armed, robot spaceship?...(I think I'm getting ahead of myself now)...ok, back on track, let's get some men past the moon and landing on another planet (they can do it movies!), besides the moon is old news, I can see it from my house (like Sarah Palin can see Russia from hers...I wonder if she can see the moon I must say though, on a good note, the military is in charge of this operation, not NASA, so chances of a Death Star are much better.

Russ VanAllen