Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Prince of Persia my foot!...

I'm appalled at what I've seen from the film Prince of Persia! I mean, did you know Jake Gyllenhaal isn't even Persian ( What's up with that? How can somebody who's not Persian play a Persian, it's insulting! And I'm not alone on this, blogger Jehanzeb Dar (Sounds Persian, maybe he should play the part) says that "this part really needed to go to somebody who's Persian. It's not only insulting to Persians (cause this movie is based on actual events), it's also insulting to white people (That's right Jehanzeb, break down those racial barriers by referring to people as their different ethnicity's). It's saying white people (hey, I'm white!) can't enjoy movies unless the protagonist is white (...)." I agree completely, I for one don't judge my movies on whether the lead is white (I love me some Tyler Perry films) and I am shocked that Disney blatantly comes out and makes me feel that way (and apparently Persians and all white people...). So here's my message to Disney: just because Jake Gyllenhaal was the best choice doesn't mean you should choose him (because you should obviously hire people based only on their race).

Russ VanAllen
Russinize Your Day is a Registered Trademark of the Russell VanAllen Corporation, which is an Equal Opportunity Employer and does not discriminate....just no Persians please.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I Google myself everyday...

There is no longer any need to fear using your computer because we now have a cyber warfare general (A 4-star general at that) who will take the battle right to the place the real terrorists are (probably where Osama Bin Laden's been hiding out too), the Internet. They've reassigned some 30,000 troops to the front lines of cyber warfare (because we need that many people sitting around a computer all day...I think there's a "how many military personnel does it take to operate a computer" joke in there somewhere). Naturally there are critics to this who say it's just one more step to the militarization of cyberspace (do they know how computers work? You can't fit guns or people in them...). But, I guess I can see their point. I mean, how long before they begin a draft, and pull all of our little avatars we've created into this hideous war (WILL THE MADNESS NEVER END!!!!!). Or, how long before they tap into people's Sims games and draft the peace loving Sims into this mess (Although, I believe the Sims do have a military career thing, so that might be all right; maybe they can work in cooperation with the Sim government on a joint military effort? I can, also, only assume that it won't be long before somebody photo shops a nuclear warhead, attaches it to an e-mail that promises nude actresses when opened, and destroys a city (disgusting...). I can really only see this ending in bloodshed (I'm wondering now if I even know how computers work...)...*Cue heart wrenching patriotic music*

Russ VanAllen
Opposed to a draft of my little Yahoomail! Avatar.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Global Warming? Or, Global - Al Gore needs the cold to survive - Warming...

Why does Al Gore push so hard to fight the supposed Global Warming? Well, there can only be one explanation (He's in cahoots with Toyota?), and that is, Al Gore is an alien. That's right, I know that may be hard to believe because he seems so down to earth (ba-dum tsh), but it's true. Now, you may be saying "hold up Russ, what are you talking about?" (Don't worry, I'm there with you) but it fits. Al Gore wants us to combat Global Warming because he is an alien from outer space who needs the cold to survive (So, it's not just to get us to buy a Prius?). So what a better way than to create a buzz about the globe getting hotter (Tssssssssss...) so that everyone will work to make things cooler (Um...not Tsssssssss...) thus allowing for Al Gore to live on to bring joy to our hearts (....). But, I have a message for Mr. Gore: watch your back Al (Or I'll drive a Prius into it (What?) What? (What does that even mean?) I don't know, I was just trying to, ya know, tough talk him a little (No, no, that's enough from you, it's past your bedtime) fine...)

Russ VanAllen
Thanks to Ronald, our sound effects guy for adding the sounds for "hotter" and "cooler"

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


When politics is just one big, dirty mess, things don't look too bright (not to mention those in politics). But, that is changing, my dear readers. While all eyes were on Tuesday's primaries, and one special election, the House was doing their job; and boy did they do it (the suspense is killing you, I know...but relax, I need time to build up so I can make myself feel relevant) passing HR 1297 (whatever that means) which supports: "the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week." My friends (I'm a maverick), I think this is fantastic (our Representatives can finally be open about their alcohol problem). Kudos to Representative Betsy Markey, who sponsored this bill (if she hadn't I know for a fact Pelosi would have), and obviously loves her beer and all that goes with it. Just by reading her speak I know this bill is good for our country, and for America. When talking about it ("it" being beer) she said "You can't just have one" (I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives) "it really depends on what mood you're in. Sometimes I like a light beer - I might want a skinny dip (I'm scared to ask what that is) - or otherwise prefer a heavier brew." This is the reason we elect politicians, they know what they're doing (....). Why would anybody want to vote against this? Well, Sparkey (Oops, bad....) doesn't think anybody would, saying "It does seem like a no brainer" (Actually, I think this is the motto above the door of the House of Representatives....). So here's to all the Reps who passed this earth shaking legislation, pour yourself a tall one, Markey and Pelosi grab a skinny dip (AH!! I should not have said that...the imagery...)...cheers...

Russ VanAllen
I wonder if anybody got the maverick well.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


It's a little known fact, but I like to talk about myself (just go with it).  Yet, there is somebody who likes to discuss their self more than I could ever hope, and that's Tyra Banks.  Ms. Banks is now working on publishing a fantasy novel (her autobiography?) for young people (as opposed to young non-people, which I hear is a tough market to get).  That's right, Tyra is working to publish her book, which is, according to the egotistical, super-barbie "called 'Modelland' pronounced 'Model land' (because apparently us lower humans are too dumb to figure that out) that takes you to a fantastical place you've never seen, nor heard about, or read about before (for a reason)...where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye (sounds like you should get that checked out)."  Tyra also says that "Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart" (Once again, auto-biography anyone?).  Like all "good" book series there will, at least, be three (Please no).  So watch out Harry Potter and Twilight and...whatever other dumb book kids read...Modelland is coming,'s a book.

Russ VanAllen
I'm pretty awesome

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Life's a mother...

Mothers, the reason we are alive (of course fathers too...but this isn't that type of blog). Today is Mother's Day. A day dedicated to our mothers. My family gets together with my mothers side (which is...quite a treat?) on this day and has some quality family time. It's one of those holidays that actually makes sense to me (yeah, not like that valentines day, I mean come on...but that's a whole other post). Our mothers inspire us, they train us, they rear us, they guide us (they beat us) and encourage us (unless, of course, your mother really does beat you...then this is awkward...). So it's great that we are able to take this day and give back to the women who give so much to and for us. So mom, sit back, relax (do some laundry...and maybe the dishes) and enjoy your day.

So from the soccer mom who drives like a drunken bat out of hell, to those boasting about their honor student at some gifted school, mother's are the reason we are where we are (and why some of us have drinking problems); so on this mother lovin' day, I would like to give a hearty salute to the women who released us from their loins.

Russ VanAllen
I love my mother.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Nice beaver...

With terrorists all over the place and wars starting here and there, the question arises as to whether or not we're on the right track to catching those that wish to destroy America and democracy. Well I say no. Why do I say no, you ask? Because we have overlooked one major enemy that is camped right on our doorstep, operating out of a facility so large it can be seen from space, that's right, you can see the dam thing from space! How we haven't taken notice of them before I don't know, and some sources say they've been operating at this facility since the 1970's. Where is this located, you inquire? In Canada, but the threat isn't the occupants of the useless country, it's the beavers building a massive dam in Wood Buffalo National Park (Wood Buffalo?). These beavers are deadly eco-terrorists (I really have no clue what that means), I mean come on, they chop down trees to build stuff (and make paper)! Which leads me to what I believe is their ultimate plot. Without trees we won't have shade to lay under, on those hot summer days, and we will all be badly sunburned. (Here's where is gets graphic) That's when the attack will begin, they will invade every city and slap our sunburned selves with their massive tails!! It's something you could only hope not to see in a movie with Eddie Murphy or that guy from "The Mummy". So take it from me, the greatest threat to America and democracy is Canada...I mean beavers...

Russ VanAllen
Conspiratative Theorizer

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Don't tase me, bro!

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who actually uses common sense (which would be sad for the world if that were true), but alas, not even I use common sense (I use an alternative known simply as RussSense), anyway, I digress. I thought I would take you all back to the School of Russ VanAllen for a little lesson I like to call Tasers: How to avoid them. This is a simple one, don't do stupid stuff. Now, I know that running on a field during a baseball game is just simply one of the greatest forms of comedy for some people and their moron friends (who I'm sure have an IQ the same as that of a dead rabbit), but it's not funny...although it is to see them get tased (why isn't that spelled with a "z"? We say it like it has a "z" in it...I think I'm gonna spell it with a "z" from now on...I would change it in the previous spellings, but that would make this little side track rather obsolete). Now I'm a strong opponent to violence, but I'd have to say given the choices, tazers are a nice alternative to anything else. I think the police should release some advertising (wait...we say advertising like it has a "z" in it, but spell it with an "s"...what the heck!!) saying "mouth off and get a free tazing"...(probably shouldn't say free, because my Dutch side would kick in and I'd mouth off just to get the FREE tazing), but something like "we're the police, b****, mouth off and get tazed" (self-censorship, gotta love it!) I think that would send the message loud and clear to the arrogant twits who think they're above the law.

Russ VanAllen and the School of Russ VanAllen: Working to make society better

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I blame Scott...

There is an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico (in case you didn't know). Now of course, somebody has to be blamed, because that's, apparently, how life works. Of course BP is one of those on the "blame list" (I have a "blame list" may be on it...but don't worry, I always blame Scott Erno (who is #1 on my list)...ooh, I did a parenthesis in a parenthesis, risque) since they operated the rig, but now, the federal agency charged with the regulation of such stuff is being blamed for understating the impact the oil spill will have on the delicate ecosystem...understating the impact of an oil spill? That's what there mad about? Maybe those who are blaming should just read the news or listen to what the Coast Guard has been saying, because I have and I have rather an acute sense of the terrible impact this mess will cause. It's an oil spill for goodness sakes! Why do you need somebody to tell you how bad it will be (I wonder how many of our tax dollars went into finding how bad an oil spill will be?)...IT'S AN OIL SPILL! I mean, do people really listen to themselves (I know I don't). But, I shouldn't be too hard on them, I mean after all, I would also want to blame somebody else if I were too dumb to figure out how devastating an oil spill would be...and we all know who I would blame.

Russ VanAllen
(Finally a picture! Made by my friend Kimmy!)