Saturday, July 24, 2010

Hurricane "Twister"...

Giving hurricanes and tropical storms people names is probably the worst idea since sliced bread (Everybody says sliced bread was a good idea, but was it?...). I mean when I hear that Hurricane Nancy is bearing down on Louisiana all I can think is "Oh those poor people, the Speaker of the House is paying them a visit" (It's horrifying, I know). So why not switch to a better way of identifying those zany hurricanes and tropical storms (A way that won't strike fear into the hearts of every man, woman and child in a state). As usual, I don't just complain about something without offering a solution, so here's my idea. What we need to do is name hurricanes and tropical storms after movies, preferably those that people actually know. Imagine turning on the news and hearing:

Anchor: "Tonight at midnight hurricane Return of the Jedi will hit every theatre in New Orleans (Too soon?)."

See, you feel much more at ease about a hurricane hitting. Sure you may have 100 mph winds and catastrophic damage but at least you can rest assured knowing it's named after a movie. The beauty of this idea is that if somebody doesn't like Star Wars (They're losers...) there are plenty of movies to name them after. Also, you can get rid of the arbitrary numbers system for telling how bad the storm will be. So instead of the storm being a Mach 5 hurricane (Obviously I am not really sure how they rate hurricanes) you judge it by how much money it made at the box office (So if it's named after a James Cameron film, GET OUT!!...on the other hand, if it's a movie that starred John Travolta you're safe. Battlefield Earth anyone??). It's brilliant and fool proof (No comment...)!

Russ VanAllen
The world is a better place with me around.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational blog...

Well folks, it looks as though the navy has finally decided to listen to me. They have successfully tested a laser weapon to shoot down 4 unmanned drones. This is great news, because now we are well on our way to getting the Death Star (I already have my Darth Vader suit ready for when I take it over). Yet, it concerns me that they are saying the laser won't be deployed anytime soon. Come on!! You shot down 4 unmanned drones, what's the issue here? As far as I'm concerned the only thing left to do is shoot down manned drones (Can drones be manned?...Ooh, ooh, ooh, let it be the Russians...). It's time to use this technology and build the Death Star making America the ultimate power in the galaxy (Except for a stray X-wing that will fire a proton torpedo into our one weakness...). I do request, however, that whoever is in charge of this laser program always be dressed as Admiral Ackbar and they can only say "It's a trap!" That is all.

Russ VanAllen
Join me and your path to the dark side will be complete...Yeah, I know, I'm a Star Wars nerd...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


(That's a completely made up word (Excuse me, did you just open this blog post with a parenthesized comment?) Yes, got a problem with's my blog, I'll do what I want (Technically it's OUR blog, and you/I are/am arguing with yourself/myself...)...touche) I am so sorry you all had to witness that. Aficionadocationizing is NOT a made up word...OK well it is, but it has a meaning...give me a second to think of one...(This may take a while...)...For now, I am going to say that it is the "act of lying about being an aficionado of something" (So basically you aficionadocationize all day?). I witnessed this the other day while attending Two Gentlemen of Verona...which, for those who don't know, is a play by William Shakespeare. In the playbill one of the "actors" claimed to be an aficionado at Comedy, Film and Music. WHAT!! You can't claim to be an aficionado at all those things! You have obviously not aficionado'd (Another made up use of the word "aficionado") before. For one thing, it's just too many things to be an "aficionado" at (Who do you think you are, me?), and for two thing...wait a tick, there's an awesome "old style" plane outside, I'm gonna go re-enact the airplane scene from North by Northwest...OK I am back, for two thing I saw his so-called "comedy" and it was definitely NOT the work of an aficionado (I think Scott Erno is more funny than that guy was...); which, then, leads me to believe he isn't that aficionadoable of films or music (Because he sure wasn't at comedy). So don't go around saying your an aficionado at so many things, or anything you aren't...I mean that's like me saying I am an aficionado at bull-fighting, sure it sounds cool, but put it to the test and I'd be gored (Like a pumpkin...? Or a gourd...?).

Russ VanAllen
Aficionado at life (And never having a girlfriend (Shut-up!!))

Friday, July 9, 2010


Vanity plates. That little way of telling the world "Hey, I'm pretty cool" (Yet, really telling them "No, no I'm not"). I never understood the appeal of a vanity plate. The last thing I want while driving is to be introduced to somebody, especially via their license plate. That's why Gerald Ford invented cars in the first place (Wrong Ford...actually that whole sentence is way off) so that people would not have to interact with each other while en-route to their destination. We can sit alone in our cars, windows rolled up, air on, and be untethered by every Tom, Dick or Harry (That's rather sexist. What, you can't be bothered by a woman?). Anyway, I've now totally lost my train of thought on this matter...oh, right, vanity plates. I don't care what it is you put on there, it's stupid. It makes you look like a loser, and it makes me want to ram my Chrysler up your tale-pipe (That's rather harsh...but then again, I have not had coffee all day, so....back off!!). So to the man with a license plate that reads "Stevil" to the people who add an "8" in for "ate" (i.e. - K8...hahaha...), I have an idea of where you need to go...

...back to the DMV to get a new license plate, that's where!

Russ VanAllen
I have not had coffee all day...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Curse you pop-ups!!...

It's a bird, it's a plane (No! Stop looking outside)! I'm talking about pop-ups. They're annoying (Ah right to the point. I love a man who's straight I don't). I mean I can see how it's "brilliant" because it pops up right as I'm about to click something so I inadvertently click on the add and then have to endure it taking me to the website of the advertiser, but it makes me never want to purchase the product being forced upon me (NO I WILL NOT BUY THE NEW CHEVY MALIBU!!). Besides it takes me about 3 hours (Way to not over-exaggerate...) to find the stinkin' "close" button. So to the people responsible for advertising and marketing, STOP AMBUSHING ME! And I may be more inclined to go out and get myself whatever your forcing down my throat (...But probably not).

Russ VanAllen
I'm gonna go buy a Chevy Malibu...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

a Tribute to America...

Today is Independence Day. The day we observe the founding of the great country we get to, so freely, live in. I take on a more sentimental tone when talking about this country because of how much I love her and how much I love being an American. This nation is the greatest in the world, and was meant to be that. Our Founding Fathers didn't come here to create a nation that would just exist. They came here and created this nation as a beacon of hope and freedom that would shine out over the world and preserve a wonderful future for their children and their children's children. It's weathered time and wars (Both within and outside her borders), depressions and disasters, coming through strong in her resolve to remain the leader of the free world. We've come a long way, this "one nation under God...". It is not always easy, and many times it is a great struggle, but through that struggle we grow; we push forward in the hard times and when we're knocked down we pick ourselves back up.

When new citizens enter our country they pass by one of the greatest monuments to freedom, the Statue of Liberty. Inside is a plaque with a beautiful poem inscribed on it. The last part of that plaque has become the motto of Lady Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teaming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Beautiful words, and a wonderful reminder that this nation, founded on the principles of a Creator, God, who has blessed all men and women with the right to be free, is open to all people who "yearn" for just that, freedom. So then, here I end and, with the words of Abraham Lincoln, I pray that this great nation "of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."

Russ VanAllen
Have a happy Independence Day

Saturday, July 3, 2010

To the lady with no personal boundries...

...stay out of mine!! Just because you feel the need to get all up close and personal with people you don't know (And frankly who don't want to know you) doesn't mean you have to lean across me and have a conversation with somebody. OK, well let me set the scene for you. Here I am enjoying a pleasant evening waiting to be used as a film extra. All us extra folk are sitting in about three different rows of pews, me being in the front row (Naturally, I'm a whore for attention). Suddenly this woman decides that she's going to have a conversation with some other annoying individual in the row behind me. Instead of doing the logical thing and going directly to that person, she feels the need to set herself up in the row in front of me, lean over me and carry on the loudest conversation with this person in the history of conversations (Nobody wants to hear, or even cares, what you're saying!!). I will give her a little credit, even though there was enough room to go and sit by the person on the other end of the conversation, that person had really annoying children with them so I probably wouldn't have gone close to them either (Kids are dumb...)...but in that case, JUST DON'T HAVE THE CONVERSATION! As a warning in the future, any invasion of my personal space will be taken as an act of war and will be dealt with accordingly. That is all.

Russ VanAllen
To the singers who are big in Europe and then come here and feel entitled: This isn't Europe, this is America (Last time I checked) and we don't know who you are, and don't care who you are. Yours truly.