Monday, July 25, 2011

Road Signs...

The title says it all...well mostly all.  I'm not here to rail against road signs, but I am here to point out the stupid uses people use them for (clever wording Shakespeare).  On my way home the other day I came to rest at a four-way stop.  I glanced up at the sign and noticed somebody had cleverly (*sarcasm alert*) written "following" case you're a little tired or just having an off day the sign now read "Stop Following" (Oh, I get it!).  So there I sat in my car laughing hysterically (*sarcasm alert*) at some little clever fella or fella-ette's "artwork".  Of course, it's not just limited to the various routes I take, you can see signs all over that people have artized (Take that Merriam-Webster!).  In fact after I'm done typing I'm gonna Google "funny signs" to add some nice pictures to keep you all entertained (Thank you, I was starting to doze off).

Now, you must be thinking "Russ, why do you hate creativity?" (Hm, I think you may be putting words into people's mouths, but for the sake of comedy, carry on)  Well, aside from the fact that it's dumb (Says you!) the last thing people need at a four-way stop is one more thing distracting them from how a four-way stop actually works...which people, apparently, cannot grasp (You pull up and don't exactly stop but sort of just roll through along with the person crossing where you both stop and wave each other across to be polite but neither will go because they're busy trying to be the better person.  Meanwhile a line is backing up and people are honking and flipping each other off and there is complete chaos...that's how it works right?).  It's not rocket science!!  So stop it (You tell 'em chief!)!

Russ VanAllen
#1 Uhzbekistan Times Best-selling blogger.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Yes I'm still here...Sorry to frighten you.

Hello everybody.  I'm still here and ready to get back into the blogosphere with the #1 New York Times Bestselling blog (I don't think such a category even exists...).  I know that you all have been feeling down and out since I've gone on hiatus.  That feeling is, of course, the affects (I hope I used the correct spelling otherwise all those grammar Nazi's are gonna have a field day) of the Russinization process wearing off.  My apologies to you for taking so long to keep your life interesting and flavorful.  I was considering doing a video blog, due to a certain unnamed person starting one and getting rave reviews for it...not that I'm jealous! (Sure, sure Russ (Shut-up inner-dialogue!!) Oh great, are we really going back to parenthesis within parenthesis format when you argue with yourself, arguing with yourself?) but the fact is that I have thus put off doing a video blog because people have always said I have a "face for radio".  It turns out that when somebody says that to you it is not a compliment (*gasp* Really?), so I'll do what I do best and that is entertain the masses (I don't think 12 followers constitutes a mass...but hang in there chief!) through cleverly worded humor (If you call this cleverly worded humor then I'm...(So help me if you interrupt me one more time!))...

Russ VanAllen
Author of over 1 New York Times Bestselling blogs and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work forging peace with humor (Hey, if Obama can win one, so can...well anybody really...).

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Race to the Finish!

In an act of political correctness the Senate Armed Services Committee has approved a bill that would remove all white men from the military.  The bill comes after an independent study from the Military Leadership Diversity Commission was presented to Congress about how there are too many whites (namely white men) leading the United States armed forces.  The bill will make it mandatory for African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Female Americans and any other minority to sign up for military service (The bill will exclude anyone who refers to themselves as just an American, because anyone who does is just giving into the status quo and not really an oppressed minority).

The Chairman of the Military Leadership Diversity Commission, Retired General Lester L. Lyles says "We all have different backgrounds, we all come from somewhere else.  Sure I was born here, but my parents weren't...So clearly I'm from wherever they were from."

The bill will now head to the Senate floor for debate and then put up for a vote.  A statement released earlier today by the Senators backing the bill said "we need a military that reflects who we are as Americans, we aren't just white.  So to have too many of them leading our military and to have white people in our military whatsoever is just plain racist.  Since people aren't qualified to deal with this issue and handle things appropriately, the government will take care of it.  What could go wrong?"

Opponents of the bill, or as the bill supporters call them "raciphobes", released a statement shortly after asking "Are you joking?"

Russell VanAllen
America's 13.5th most trusted news source.  Finishing half a rating in front of anything CNN offers...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How to make friends and alienate people...but mostly the latter.

Hello, I'm back with more hard hitting news stories that never happened but maybe will (fingers crossed) and my very opinionated opinion.  Today I'm going to opinionate about something that drives me absolutely crazy: those link things that people can "like" on Facespace (Due to copyright restrictions we can't actually use the word Facebook).  One that came upon my Facebook news-feed was, and I quote:
"No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid to fall; no one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose; no one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it; no one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response."
Now aside from the obvious ridiculousness of it all, I want to take it apart piece-by-piece.   A) Let me start by saying I am afraid of heights, NOT of falling.  I don't actually have to worry about falling because I am much too afraid to go up to a point where I could fall in the first place.  Second, I'm not afraid to lose because I cheat at things.  So I'm gonna play because there is no chance, unless I grow a conscience, that I will lose.  Thirdly...or is it third?...thirdsies?...Next, I am afraid of the dark because I don't want to stub my toe on a chair, now that doesn't make me afraid of the chair which is in the dark...does it?  Finally, on to the most ridiculous one of them all.  The fear of "I love you" (or the response thereof).  The only reason I would be afraid of the response is if I was somehow drunk and said "I love you" to my friend Ralph...

Point being, these ridiculous, "deep-thinking" links that can be "liked" by people are just ridiculous...wait, I used that already...ummm...are just...jibber-jabberous...if you want to read something that makes you feel like a deep-thinker then read this, I can't say that we're very skin deep here.  INCREDIBLY shallow.

Russ VanAllen
Voted "Most Likely to Succeed"...I sure showed them...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Where Can a Feline Turn

The Pentagon is reviewing another of it's controversial laws, the one banning cats from openly serving in the military, or Don't Ask, Don't Meow.  For years the military has only allowed dogs to serve, banning cats from any form of military service, but that may be changing.  Bolstered by the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell feline rights group the Cat Affection Team, or C.A.T., along with the Feline Rights Campaign have pushed for the Pentagon to review and eventually repeal the law.

C.A.T. Director Cathy Ward, a 52 year-old, stay at home widow who has 22 cats of her own, said "It's time.  It's time for cats everywhere to be able to stand on all fours and serve our nation proudly.  What, you think only a dog can sniff out bombs?...besides, can a dog always land on all fours?  No, no they can they have 9 lives?"  Cathy has long been a cat lover, and founded C.A.T. a few years ago after one of her own, 6 year old Thomas, was denied entry into the military.  "It was a terrible experience for him" Cathy said, "He didn't eat for a few hours after that."

Even after all this time it was difficult for Thomas to talk about the incident, but he still gave us a statement "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow mrow," he then proceeded to clean himself for a few minutes before continuing, "meow mow mow meow, meow meow meow meow meow.  Purr purr purr purr purr purr purr."  Simply a heartbreaking tale.

Lawyers from the Feline Rights Campaign have pitched in to help Ms. Ward fight this battle.  Harriet Barker, President of the campaign, said "this problem goes far beyond a simple law, this extends to the homes, where people mistreat cats all the time.  Dog's are called 'man's best friend' where cats are usually reduced to phrases describing derogatory things such as 'scare-dy cat', or the term 'catty' just to name two.  I mean sure, they scratch you for no reason, walk with there claws out, bite your ankles when you don't feed them, they are afraid of water and dogs, and leave dead rodents on your doorstep and...I forgot where I was going with this."  Could not have said it better.

Yet for all this the question remains: will Thomas' fight be in vain?

Russ VanAllen
Covering news the mainstream media won't...or doesn't know about because I fabricate it...