Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"Gun control means using both hands."

Gun control.  The issue has taken center stage over the past month as lawmakers work out a way to keep law-abiding citizens from exercising their 2nd Amendment right.

Not wanting to be behind the times, Russinize Your Day decided to do a poll (We love these things!).  We sent our one female reporter (she's black too, so...yay...also if Russinize Your Day was a TV show (Lord willing someday) it would be me in a dress...oh, but then I would have to do black face too which is racist...whatever, we'll fire her if we ever get to the small screen) to the streets to talk to your everyday Joe's about their feelings on gun control.

We asked each person on a scale of "1 to Chicago" how well they thought gun control would prevent future gun crimes.  The results will surprise you:
  • 85% answered "New York."
  • 10% couldn't locate Chicago on a map.
  • 5% giggled and ran away.
 However 100% agreed that they were excited about new restrictions as they will make bad guys finally follow laws.

Russ VanAllen
- I will be away for the next few months playing the lead in the national tour of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Studies and Stuff

People all over the country wait with baited breath as members of the House and Senate try to stave off calamity and keep the country from speeding over the "fiscal cliff."  However, if you are one of the tens of people paying attention, you may be waiting a long while.  A recent study from the Institute for Institutional Studies has shown that a whopping 98% of Congress is just too stupid to grasp reality.

Tom Warrin, of the IIS, explains that "when a Senator or Representative holds a Press Conference and you can't figure out what they are saying, it's because they don't know either," he continues "They're lucky if they can remember where they are, let alone figure out what's happening to the fiscal stability of the country."

Most people would attribute this to the old age and senility of some Senators and Representatives, but as Warrin points out "that is the case for only about 1% of Congress.  They have a legitimate excuse.  They are old, and probably have alzheimers, or dementia, or something.  The remaining 1%, well, we're not even sure they exist...the majority, however, are just stupid."

The study does make the point that they all didn't start out this way.  Most lawmakers were intelligent when they first ran for office, but once bombarded by lobbyists and young, attractive interns with daddy issues who are drawn to old, gross men with money and power; they just got dumb-ed down.

Russell VanAllen
Voted funniest person in the world by various toys & objects in my room.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Mars is still a planet?

It's been a while since I've posted.  It's tough when the news becomes so ridiculous us who ridiculously parody it find it too ridiculous to ridiculously ridicule...I think.  My favorite target, NASA, has been back in the news for doing something.  Namely going to Mars.  Frankly, they could have drawn a picture of Mars and it would have been more than they have done in the past decade.  Let's face it, their biggest "achievements" since going to the Moon have been building a useless space station that's about as interesting as space junk, planning to blow up the Moon, reaching out to Muslims (apparently Muslims are from Mars?...I'm not up on my geography, I would guessed that was Mormons...), and stripping Pluto of it's planethood for opposing same-sex marriage.

Of course upon arriving, the pictures showed Mars to be very similar to the Mojave desert.  Now I haven't been to Mars since the 80's, when I was invited to Mitt Romney's birthday party on the planet he earned (See, I knew it was Mormons!)...where was I...oh right, the 80's.  Well, I could have told you it looked like the Mojave desert.  It's not like it's rocket science!...Anyway, good job NASA, you did something right, too bad it couldn't keep you from getting your budget cut (oh yeah, I went there).

Russ VanAllen
Disclaimer: We at Russinize Your Day do not actually know if NASA had anything to do with Pluto losing it's planethood, nor do we know Pluto's stance on same-sex marriage, or if "planethood" is a real term...according to the red squiggly line under it I would say no.  Consider it coined.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Well, at least it's not brain surgery...

It's a common phrase people use when describing a difficult task.  However, what do brain surgeons say when they're completing a hard task?  I bet they say "at least it's not driving through a construction zone" because, seriously, nobody seems to be able to do it.  First off, they give you two miles in advance to switch lanes.  Yet the morons driving in the soon to be closed lane seem to think they might be able to beat everyone through the construction if they race ahead, but hey jerks you just end up slowing everybody else down!  My favorite, though, is the d*****bag (we apologize for the language, but it is fitting) who, seeing everybody in one lane, decides to drive in the other lane as if it's some magical realm that nobody else realizes exists, and it will take them through the construction zone unscathed.

Now, you may be saying after all of that "wow, Russ.  Angry much?" (I am working through some anger issues, but I find it hurtful and inappropriate that you would bring it up here...there's a time and a place).  The problem is, you who are incapable of driving through construction zones have apparently been coddled your whole life and told you're special.  Well, you're not!  So read the signs and get in the correct lane in advance so we can all get home on time!

Russ VanAllen
For clarification, I am special!!...wait...no, not like that!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Is it hot in here, or just me (rhetorical)...

Just when Republicans would have you believe the stimulus did not work, a new stimulus-funded study from Stanford University is set to bring a close to the debate over global warming.  The results may surprise you.  Stanford researches have discovered that global warming is indeed real, and that it is, indeed, man-made.  The study finds that every election cycle, politicians travel the country delivering speeches and releasing dangerous gases and hot air into the atmosphere.  The study shows that this accounts for the greenhouse gas buildup causing the earth to heat up, melting the polar ice caps, killing polar bears, selling Prius', and sending Al Gore into a downward spiral of insanity.

The researchers are planning to turn a report into the EPA with their recommendations on how to cut down the growing danger.  Russinize Your Day has been told, by an unnamed source, that some of these recommendations include limiting Donald Trump's dialogue to "you're fired!", keeping Warren Buffet from speaking in general, and limiting Presidential debates to 30 minutes.  We are also told that the study listed President Obama as the top contributor to the problem, but he did get credit for recycling his State of the Union addresses.  It's yet to be seen if the EPA will act on these recommendations.

Russ VanAllen
#6 most read blog in my bedroom.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Road Signs...

The title says it all...well mostly all.  I'm not here to rail against road signs, but I am here to point out the stupid uses people use them for (clever wording Shakespeare).  On my way home the other day I came to rest at a four-way stop.  I glanced up at the sign and noticed somebody had cleverly (*sarcasm alert*) written "following" underneath...in case you're a little tired or just having an off day the sign now read "Stop Following" (Oh, I get it!).  So there I sat in my car laughing hysterically (*sarcasm alert*) at some little clever fella or fella-ette's "artwork".  Of course, it's not just limited to the various routes I take, you can see signs all over that people have artized (Take that Merriam-Webster!).  In fact after I'm done typing I'm gonna Google "funny signs" to add some nice pictures to keep you all entertained (Thank you, I was starting to doze off).

Now, you must be thinking "Russ, why do you hate creativity?" (Hm, I think you may be putting words into people's mouths, but for the sake of comedy, carry on)  Well, aside from the fact that it's dumb (Says you!) the last thing people need at a four-way stop is one more thing distracting them from how a four-way stop actually works...which people, apparently, cannot grasp (You pull up and don't exactly stop but sort of just roll through along with the person crossing where you both stop and wave each other across to be polite but neither will go because they're busy trying to be the better person.  Meanwhile a line is backing up and people are honking and flipping each other off and there is complete chaos...that's how it works right?).  It's not rocket science!!  So stop it (You tell 'em chief!)!

Russ VanAllen
#1 Uhzbekistan Times Best-selling blogger.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Yes I'm still here...Sorry to frighten you.

Hello everybody.  I'm still here and ready to get back into the blogosphere with the #1 New York Times Bestselling blog (I don't think such a category even exists...).  I know that you all have been feeling down and out since I've gone on hiatus.  That feeling is, of course, the affects (I hope I used the correct spelling otherwise all those grammar Nazi's are gonna have a field day) of the Russinization process wearing off.  My apologies to you for taking so long to keep your life interesting and flavorful.  I was considering doing a video blog, due to a certain unnamed person starting one and getting rave reviews for it...not that I'm jealous! (Sure, sure Russ (Shut-up inner-dialogue!!) Oh great, are we really going back to parenthesis within parenthesis format when you argue with yourself, arguing with yourself?) but the fact is that I have thus put off doing a video blog because people have always said I have a "face for radio".  It turns out that when somebody says that to you it is not a compliment (*gasp* Really?), so I'll do what I do best and that is entertain the masses (I don't think 12 followers constitutes a mass...but hang in there chief!) through cleverly worded humor (If you call this cleverly worded humor then I'm...(So help me if you interrupt me one more time!))...

Russ VanAllen
Author of over 1 New York Times Bestselling blogs and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work forging peace with humor (Hey, if Obama can win one, so can...well anybody really...).